Plan B, a Horrid Mommy, and other Musings

Okay, I'm not as tangled. Scott and I have a plan. I like the idea of choosing a path and going for it for a while.

So we begin Plan B...
We cancelled a surgery last month that the doctor said would give us a 50/50 chance of correcting an obvious problem (obvious meaning we might have other issues that we are still unaware). I realized after Scott cancelled the surgery that even though I thought the surgery wouldn't help our fertility, I still think we need to do it because I'm afraid I will always wonder What if? It's always better to try all your options, right? Scott agreed. So that is back on the schedule for the end of November.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN just to see if there is anything else we can check on my end. The last time I saw him, he, along with my GP, oversimplified the whole conception process and supposed that since I already have a child with my husband, clearly things will work again. I'm not sure he has much more to offer me. If he doesn't give me anything substantial, I can head to a specialist.

So, with Plan B in place. I'm relaxed. After Scott's surgery, we have three months to wait before we know if the surgery made a difference. So, it's a process. I already have my doubts that I even have the energy to make it to Plan C if the need arises. Plan B is good for now.

When in Doubt Clean Something...
I cleaned out a drawer, shelf, and closet today so I am in very good spirits. I also worked on an art project and that was rejuvenating. I've separated myself from my art for a few months working on other projects so it was nice to get working again. I'm doing a commissioned project for a neighbor of the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm using the self-cleaning feature on my oven for the first time ever. I usually use the oven spray. I don't love the smell of the self-cleaning feature, reminiscent of fire. But I'm curious to see if my oven really can get the baked on pizza sauce and cheese off all by itself.

I Agree, I can be Horrid...
Yesterday, Kate told me, "Mommy, you are horrid!"
We had an already challenging day. Kate was bouncing off the walls and being moderately defiant most of the day. We were in the garage ready to take Kate to my sister so I could go help with the Young Women activity at church and Kate noticed the door Scott left leaning on a shelf in the garage. He was trying to repair it earlier and hadn't hung it in the house yet. Kate pushed it or touched it and it fell with dramatic sound effects onto the car and left a six inch white streak. I was so startled by the noise and then saw the mark on the car and I was in a hurry so I scolded Kate for messing with the door. She really might've been hurt badly.

I wasn't meaner than ever or anything. I had an ugly expression on my face, I know that. And I snapped at her to get in the car. Oh-Katie-what-were-you-thinking kind of talk, I'm sure. And then she told me I was horrid. Poor girl. I often tell her stories of the girl with the curl, right in the middle of her forehead. You know, "when she was good, she was really, really good. And when she was bad, she was horrid." I begin the story with that whole bit and then I tell her a scenario of the girl being good and I ask her if the girl was good or horrid and Kate has to decide. I usually tell it a few times, good and bad. Well, I was horrid.

I told her I was sorry for being horrid. I asked her forgiveness and told her what a rotten day this must have been for her and that tomorrow would be a better day. She was very forgiving. My goal has always been to not sweat stuff like this. People are more important than things. That has always been my motto, the one my mom taught me. For the most part I do okay. But that moment, I forgot my motto. I really should have been mad at Scott for leaving the door about where it could be dangerous for Kate.

But the Sun Was Shining Today...
We had a phenomenally better day today. When Kate and I were reading library books on the couch, Sam walked in from school and had a few things to say. I listened until Kate pointed to the picture book, on the title page, that we were about to begin when Sam came in. I decided I couldn't keep Kate waiting any longer. I read the name of the author and illustrator before, as I usually do (because secretly I'm the "Story Time Lady"). This time the illustrator's name was Patience. Kate chimed in, "Patience, that's just like I'm being patient." So cute. This buoyed me up. Sometimes I get frustrated with all the questions Kate throws at me all day. But when I get to watch her grasp a concept she has asked me about earlier, it's all worth it. It reminds me what I'm really doing here all day.

Tick, Tock...
I'm grateful that we live with time. Time is a biggie and you love it and hate it all at once but it is such a blessing. I love that we wake up to a fresh, new day and we can start over and make the day better than yesterday. I love that we can apologize and be forgiven for our mess-ups. I love that we can learn from our mistakes and make daily improvements to our character so all is never lost. Each moment is just another brushstroke. If it's the wrong color or out of place, just paint over it.

Could Someone Untangle Me?

I'm feeling befuddled. Life is awkward right now and I just can't explain it. I'm not depressed. But I am desperately searching for something that I can't find. I'm wandering and lost. My aim is a deeper meaning, or purpose, and it eludes me.


In my search I have taken to stretching myself with new ideas, hobbies, service, and I've never been less idle. But I'm still missing something.

Do you ever feel like there is something you should be doing with your life and you just haven't figured it out yet? Like you aren't really living, yet? I always felt that before Kate came and then once she came everything made so much sense. I felt like I had this huge purpose and that I was something special, her mom. But she's getting bigger. She does so much all on her own and she really barely needs me now.


For a few years I've had this sure knowledge that I wasn't going to get pregnant again. Scott always brushed it off and still to this day has all the hope in the world that we will have more children. "Just have more faith," he says. I struggle with his sure knowledge because I also have a sure knowledge but it is opposite. What does that mean? How could we both have a clear answer that is so different? Last week I was all set to sell the baby stuff on KSL and make room for reality. I thought we could use the money. But I've been squirming ever since I made my plan to sell it all.

Everyone acts like I'm going to have more children, like in casual conversation things come up like, "Well, when you have more children you will..."

And what I think of is that part in the scriptures when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego tell the King that if the King casts them into the fiery furnace, God will deliver them, but if not, we will serve God (not the idol Gods that the King wanted them to worship).


but if not

I still remember hearing that talk by Elder Simmons, "But If Not". I reread it just barely and it touches on the things that are weighing on me right now.

Here's a quote from the talk by Elder Simmons, "The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings."


Simmons later in the talk stated, "Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true. He has the power, but it’s our test... we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

I have so much to be grateful for and I know that. Hurray! I'm married to a great guy. Wahoo! We have one child who is a blast and I am so grateful and in no way do I want to diminish the miracle that she is for us. What I am so upset about is, what am I supposed to do with what I have? Some people go and they fight for what they want. They improtune to God and then they go to doctors, take pills, use modern science and make God do what they want or maybe all that is what He wants. Some get huge loans and adopt children. Some already have tons of money and use it to adopt children. And others foster to adopt through DCFS (which Scott swears he will never do). And that's fine for all of them. But what is right for me? How far do I go? What road am I supposed to walk? Is it time for a detour? Have I hit a dead end? See, I told you, I'm lost.

To read the whole But If Not article--LDS.org - Liahona Article - But If Not …

Hello to Fall

We have been spending some time welcoming fall into our lives lately. We had some rain. We enjoyed the fall colors, and I think I'm almost ready to get the house decorated for Halloween. Cup of hot apple cider anyone? Scott took a day off work and we went in to Salt Lake for the Circus. Before the Circus started we walked around Temple Square with Kate. She had to touch every bit of water and for those who have been to the Square, there is a lot of water! I love this picture with the temple in the background. What a beautiful place to be and a wonderful spirit.

Kate with her Circus ticket. Every kid has to go to the circus at least once in their childhood. Scott doesn't remember ever going so it was fun for us to enjoy this together. I could tell Kate knew this was a special date to be at Temple Square and the circus. Now she wants to go to Disney Princess on Ice in November.

I think it was the next Sunday that we went up to the cabin to see the leaves. We just spent the evening, had dinner up there, and then jetted home. Scott had a fireside he needed to attend. But the leaves were MUCH more brilliant than I remember them.

We had three days straight of rain and I didn't mind one bit. It was refreshing and beautiful. Kate got her snow boots on and had some splashing to do.

Good Action Shot.

I had a pedicure, compliments of my mother-in-law (thank you tons!). I hadn't had one in forever and my feet feel fantastic!

Scott just got home for lunch and I think he wants me to make him a grilled tuna sandwich. I don't know why he thinks he can't make one himself. Somehow he thinks mine taste better. I guess I'll go serve the poor helpless creature and send him on his way. It's the least I can do right? I mean I live such a treasured life at home, doing as I please, while he goes out into the world and makes a living for us all to enjoy. It's a big thing he does. So big, that I will gladly make the sandwich. Here I go with a smile.

Correction: So, I went upstairs to help. I just started seasoning the tuna he had out and putting it on the bread and he said, "No, I'm gonna brown both sides first."

So, I guess I don't make them the best anymore. I've been demoted. Now what do I do? I can't even make grilled tuna. Well, thanks for being a good provider anyway honey. Since I can't show you my love, I just tell you...Love you tons!