You Had Me at "Chocolate"

I just returned from a nice dinner with my mom and sisters, followed with General Women's Conference. I feel so much improved after hearing the messages from the General Relief Society Presidency and President Uchtdorf.

I especially appreciated the talk Sister Allred gave on Charity and the talk President Uchtdorf gave with the 5 things we mustn't forget. Both talks I needed to hear to help me with the challenges I face. I now have some much appreciated perspective!

I had my niece, Samantha, sitting next to me. She was attending her first session of Women's Conference as a newly-turned 18-year-old. I helped her write notes and we giggled a bit. I wrote some silly notes for her and one of them was, "President Uchtdorf, you had me at 'Chocolate'!"

Yes, I was being somewhat silly, but what was shared really did sink in. That story he told using the story of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with the golden ticket that everyone was searching for was perfect. I see that I struggle with that same problem, always searching for the allusive golden ticket and neglecting to enjoy the chocolate bar that I have already received. Super-good stuff!

All of it was great.


Click Here for a short piece of Elder Uchtdorf's talk when he recapped the five things.
Click Here for another little piece from the talk when he talked about how we are not forgotten to our Father in Heaven.

I'm sure this talk with be on Mormon messages soon.

Here is the link to the full conference (about an hour and a half).If you don't have time to watch the whole conference, at least catch Pres. Uchtdorf's talk. Just scroll the time bar to 58:00, that's when his talk begins.

Right now, I'm grateful for the timing of this conference. 

Post of Venom - BEWARE!

 One might look in at me and say that, as of late, I am going through a bit of a crusty phase. That one would be a generous soul because not only is it more than lately but it is not me being a bit crusty but full-on and most despicably crusty.

I can't put my finger on the root of my disease yet. You can vote if you want - or if you have a better option that I haven't thought of... by all means share.

Cause of My Crustiness - Option #1
Could be the diet and exercise program I just started a month ago. Eating 1,550 calories a day and exercising so hard and so long that I wonder if maybe I secretly hate myself and am just trying to sadistically torture myself could be starting to wear on me. I'm not indulging myself with food as I always used to, oak. I mean come on, we all know that I was putting on the pounds. I used to use my kitchenaid three or four times a week to make sweet treats like cakes (that were 1,200 calories a slice), brownies (full of chocolate chips), and cookies (of every variety). True, I shared with neighbors and family but when I made treats I would have a bit of the batter, okay, a lot of batter, and at least fresh cookies out of the oven and three more once Kate went to bed. As of right now, my kitchenaid is dusty and has only been used twice in two months. I know it's been a long time since I enjoyed deliciousness because the other day, I ate a square of bittersweet baker's chocolate and LIKED it. That's bad. Yes, possibly I am so starved for fat, calories, and sugar that I'm crusty and snappy. Possibly I have thrown my whole entire female ecosystem out of whack with all the exercise. Possibly my vanity is destroying my congeniality. Possibly.

Cause of My Crustiness - Option # 2
Could be the fact that no one cares a lick about me. I invited like 20 neighbor girls over for a movie night, ONE SHOWED UP! OUCH! I tried to remember that I didn't give some of them good notice. I tried to point out to myself that some of them were invited via email, which evidently some people, those ones who actually have meaningful things to do other than sit in front of the computer, don't check their emails all that often. I tried to remember all that but it still made me feel totally lame. Nobody calls me to see how I'm doing (not that I would be nice to them if they did). And to top it all off - nobody seems to want to leave comments on my blog anymore. Wait, you mean people aren't checking my blog everyday in hopes that I have something to say to entertain them? Shocking! My family claims they are too busy and when they do read it, they don't comment. Maybe I'm just not that interesting. I feel so isolated. I didn't go to the ward picnic last Saturday partly because I just didn't think I could be nice. I feel like a brat. I feel like a snot. I feel like nobody could like me.

Cause of My Crustiness - Option #3
Could be the last failed fertility measure. We tried IUI last month. The doctor filled Scott with so much confidence that this was going to work for us (granted he said it could take a few tries) but I even started to believe that it might work. People even prayed for us. Little children even. Poor things. I hope they don't grow up thinking prayers aren't ever answered; that's kinda how I feel.

The fertility thing is conflicting because on the one hand, I'm way to selfish to have more children. I like how easy my life is. I sleep at night. I have time to do hobbies and have my own pursuits. Kate is in Kindergarten and it's 2.5 hours of free babysitting. I am completely spoiled. I could even go back to school next year and get started on a Master's Degree if I so desired. Yet, even in all my sincerely selfish feelings, a little piece of me feels rejected and sad that we haven't been given the opportunity to fill our lives with family. A part feels empty - unloved - unworthy. I have that little piece that believes that God just doesn't give a hoot about me. I know it seems absurd to think that God doesn't care but it's something people struggling with infertility go through because all the people with quivers of children talk about how blessed they are to have such wonderful children. All the people with their plenty and abundance go around spouting how blessed they are and how God entrusted them with His special, most choice spirits. Yeah, I suck.

Plus, everyone around me is shocked when I tell them I don't want to try to conceive anymore. That I'm ready to give up and say "phooey". I believe people around me think lightening is going to strike me. They all wonder how I could lose faith. How dare I lose faith in God and His power to bless. Phooey. I say. Phooey. He has power. I know He can do ALL things. But I also know that His ways are not our ways. For some reason, He wants us to go through this. Having faith that He will bless us with more children is foolish because He might not and I would just waste more years of my life hoping for something that was never in my plan to begin with.

Most Probable Cause...
Actually, I know it now. I'm so crusty because, for so long, I've been trying not to let the hurt get to me by using anger and ambivalence to soften the blow but all it's doing is festering and growing into a big, gang-green infested, I-clearly-need-an-amputation, sore. I really did okay for a little while. But with all the adoption stuff, Scott and I went through a new phase of anger that I never thought we could attain. The process was so rough for us that we withdrew. Maybe someday things will be different and we will try again to adopt. I know people will judge us as evil for not pursuing adoption right now but we are clearly not strong enough for it. Those who are able to complete an adoption are geniuses and have hearts of GOLD! I bow to them in sincere admiration and respect. We just can't do it.

But, I'm getting tired of the anger. I want to be soft and sweet. I want people to feel they can come to me and not have their heads chopped off with my venomousness. I want to have love again. I want to focus on my gratitude for what a have. And everyone I ever talk to says, "Oh, but you have one. You have Katie. You are so lucky. So blessed." I know. Thanks for reminding me. Hurray. My life is full of joy. I will just go slam my head in the door a few times so I remember next time I forget.

My biggest worry is that God will find a way to soften me that I don't like. I'm trying, desperately, to think of a way to soften myself so I don't receive God's chastisement. Oh, MERCY! Please, Mercy.

Peace. Thanks for nothing. Remember not to talk to me for a few years - when I possibly have overcome my salty, evil ways. Remember that I'm ugly right now. Remember that my sign around my neck says, "BEWARE OF MEAN PERSON!"

I'm so sorry, in advance, and in the past, for not being the beautiful person that everyone else deserves me to be because I know everyone is going through something.

Secret of Our Marriage Revealed

I've decided the secret to our marriage is that Scott and I laugh at ourselves. More often... Scott laughs at me and I laugh at me.

Case in Point:
Last night, I told Scott I didn't want to go out to dinner on the way to the cabin tomorrow. Going to dinner on the weekend is Scott's special tradition. I don't like eating out because it is SO EXPENSIVE and I end up eating far more calories than a meal at home that I can control. I just don't trust the "healthy" items on the menu. They say how many calories and fat grams a few of the items have but what if the chef messes up and puts butter on it? Or swaps the "light" sauce on the sandwich for the full version? Boom, extra fat and calories I wasn't planning on. Snap, diet destroyed.

Scott, on the other hand, LOVE, LOVE, LOVES dining out. He doesn't care how much it costs, he doesn't care about calories or fat grams. He just wants to sit and enjoy some steak or crab or something spectacular that I never cook at home.

Today, he came home for lunch and tried to reapply for dinner on the way to the cabin. He was begging in such a sweet way and I felt almost like giving in but I remembered the chef I don't trust and the money that I would rather spend on having my hair done or new workout clothes. He threw in at the end of his beg that he had saved some extra money so the money isn't the problem anymore and I could get the salad bar so I wouldn't have to worry about the calories and stuff (I reminded him that if I got a salad like he does salad bar I wouldn't be able to eat for a WEEK... Hello, 2,000 cal. salad! The salad bar is not a friend! Believe me!).

I was flustered. I stood up straight, ready to assert my position and said, "Scott, It's just a challenge to try to be my best self married to you!"

And then we both BURST OUT LAUGHING! It was awesome. This kind of stuff happens ALL THE TIME. He catches me being a total mega beast or some selfish version of myself and instead of rattling off how evil I am, he just laughs and then I laugh and then it's gone. I realize how insane I am and we are on the same page again. Love, Love, Love laughing with Scott.

Delta Youth Fair

 We had an adventure today! We went to the Delta Water Foul Youth Fair at Farmington Bay.

 Scott's brother, Todd, is an avid duck hunter. His air boat is apply named, "The Duck Slayer". During the Youth Fair, Todd donates his time and gas every year to drive kids and their parents around in his air boat.

 We took advantage of Todd's service and enjoyed a THRILL ride around Farmington Bay. What a blast! I was clinging to Scott for dear life. Scott, on the other hand, was dreaming of how he could obtain an air boat of his own someday just to drive around the bay "for a picnic", he said. Kate seemed scared in the moment but later raved about the fun we had on the air boat.

 I took a bunch of random shots as we were speeding along.

 Here's Todd, in his element.

 We plowed through the phrag like it was just plain water. Some of the phrag was tall enough that you couldn't see beyond it. I was so afraid that we would crash into another boat because there was no visibility.

 The prop - 400 horsepower.

 Todd sure knows a lot of cool stuff about the wildlife and the plant life. He was teaching us all sorts of cool stuff.

After our ride, Todd's wife, Cherish, took their daughter, Suzie.

 This is little Suzie's first ride on her Daddy's air boat.

 Good Times!

 Thank you, Todd!

 P.S. we saw this falconer - he actually uses this bird to hunt! I had no idea.

And did you know there was such a thing as bowfishing? Pretty cool.

Analyze This!

 Last night I had this awesome dream... I bumped into George W. Bush and Katie Couric. George W. let me interview him for a story I was writing and Katie Couric gave me some interview tips. I was wearing my gym clothes and my retainer. After the interview, George W. gave me a hug.

My Dressy-Skirt Girl

Me: Why don't you ever wear your new tennis shoes to school?
Kate: Because, I've been wearing clothes that don't "go" with tennis shoes. You have to wear pants and stuff with tennis shoes and I never want to wear pants because I'm a dressy-skirt girl.

Mirror Lake

A walk around the lake...

 A silly face, a Katie-face...

A funny hat...

 A ride or two in a canoe...

Fun with Kate, Scott, Dad, Cameron, and Jeni.