Scott - Julie - Kate
Monday, November 29, 2010
Cyber Monday
I totally took advantage of Cyber Monday shopping today. Just finished buying ALL of Kate's Christmas and even helped out Santa a little as well. Gotta love the Disney Store's 25% off on my entire purchase plus free shipping! Wahoo!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The Law of Abundance
I am feeling AMAZING! I took the advice of a dear friend and started giving away some of Kate's baby things to people I know who can use them right now.
You see, I believe in the Law of Abundance. In my understanding of it, all things are available to us. The Earth, contrary to some political parties, has an over-sufficient supply of all things and that supply is available to us - especially if we understand the law and how to work with it.
Anyway, I've been holding on to Kate's baby things and all her clothes that she has outgrown because I thought I would need all of it for "the next one". I was telling my friend that one of the reasons I am so impatient to have more children is because of all the stuff I am saving for the next child. I want to use it or move on and get rid of it. Before I could even finish my thought she said, "Get rid of it then!" And she was right. I believe in the law of abundance but in this aspect, I haven't been following it. I have been holding on to these things and my actions have exhibited my feelings of scarcity. I've been through a journey with all this so it might not make any sense to anyone but me.
The point is, I pulled bins out of the downstairs storage room and gave them to several dear moms who I thought could really enjoy Kate's special things for their own children. This was incredibly healing for me. I felt rejuvenated as I let go of these things that were in essence weighing me down. Now I feel free. I am not finished giving, I have more bins to go through, but these things will soon have a new life in other people's homes. Don't worry mom (not that you have time to read all of this!), I will keep Kate's crib, a few favorite things, as well as some essentials for babysitting purposes.
But I feel at peace!
Yes, I feel that element of fear that this feeling of joy, peace, and contentment won't last forever but I feel confident this time that God loves me and that He has a purpose for me and a plan. I know that if I just hold on my way, I will, in time, understand. So bravo to my circle of people who have helped me this far through my journey. I am filled with gratitude for my friends and family who have, in their own way, expressed their love and support. I hope I will soon return the favors.
And hey, maybe you guys can tell me more of what you know about the law of abundance.
You see, I believe in the Law of Abundance. In my understanding of it, all things are available to us. The Earth, contrary to some political parties, has an over-sufficient supply of all things and that supply is available to us - especially if we understand the law and how to work with it.
17 For the aearth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be bagents unto themselves.2. 16 Verily I say, that inasmuch as ye do this, the afulness of the earth is yours, the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and that which climbeth upon the trees and walketh upon the earth;
17 Yea, and the herb, and the agood things which come of the earth, whether for food or for braiment, or for houses, or for barns, or for orchards, or for gardens, or for vineyards;
19 Yea, for afood and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to bstrengthen the body and to enliven the soul.
20 And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to aexcess, neither by extortion.
Anyway, I've been holding on to Kate's baby things and all her clothes that she has outgrown because I thought I would need all of it for "the next one". I was telling my friend that one of the reasons I am so impatient to have more children is because of all the stuff I am saving for the next child. I want to use it or move on and get rid of it. Before I could even finish my thought she said, "Get rid of it then!" And she was right. I believe in the law of abundance but in this aspect, I haven't been following it. I have been holding on to these things and my actions have exhibited my feelings of scarcity. I've been through a journey with all this so it might not make any sense to anyone but me.
The point is, I pulled bins out of the downstairs storage room and gave them to several dear moms who I thought could really enjoy Kate's special things for their own children. This was incredibly healing for me. I felt rejuvenated as I let go of these things that were in essence weighing me down. Now I feel free. I am not finished giving, I have more bins to go through, but these things will soon have a new life in other people's homes. Don't worry mom (not that you have time to read all of this!), I will keep Kate's crib, a few favorite things, as well as some essentials for babysitting purposes.
But I feel at peace!
Yes, I feel that element of fear that this feeling of joy, peace, and contentment won't last forever but I feel confident this time that God loves me and that He has a purpose for me and a plan. I know that if I just hold on my way, I will, in time, understand. So bravo to my circle of people who have helped me this far through my journey. I am filled with gratitude for my friends and family who have, in their own way, expressed their love and support. I hope I will soon return the favors.
And hey, maybe you guys can tell me more of what you know about the law of abundance.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Mommy & Me: Music Makers
We had such a fun time at our Mommy & Me activity last week. "Miss Erin" put on a fun program and all the little ones loved it. I especially love having an excuse to be silly and a chance to see the little ones sparkle.
Oh, and we have so much beautiful snow! I love it.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Kate's Thanksgiving Preschool Program
Kate with two of her Preschool classmates - Michael and Henry
Kate has 11 other children in her class. She says her best friend is Claire, who is the little sister of Kate's best friend from last year's preschool class. She has a lot of other friends but Claire is evidently the one she plays with during free time. I love Henry on the right of Kate in the picture. He is so adorable. When I pick Kate up from preschool and we start walking away he calls out, "I LOVE you, Katie!" One day last week, I went to pick up Kate and saw Henry crying by the wall. He was pitiful. Kate's teacher told me that he was so upset because he couldn't stand in line with Kate because it was someone else's turn.
They sang cute songs. This one was about emotions and the faces they see in mirror. {Cute Henry again.}
Scott, Julie, Kate
Scott was able to pull away from work {one benefit of being self-employed!} and he and I were just giggling through the whole program at this cute bunch of kids - and our super-doll-face, Kate.
Time for Big Girl Panties
I'm so confused today. All day I've been mulling through my mind all the options I have and I just don't know which direction to go. I feel lost and I wish someone else could make these decisions for me. I've decided that this is ABSOLUTELY the LAST month that I will EVER try to have a baby. At the beginning of the month, Scott suggested that we give it 6 more months before we consider adoption again but after the last couple weeks, we both agree that we are DONE.
But I still have all the hard choices to make of whether to adopt, or foster, or not do anything at all. This is so hard and so personal and I don't even know which direction I'm headed. I don't know what the RIGHT decision is. I have a feeling that this will be a lot like my college decision - when I was trying to decide which degree to pursue I was in a cunundrum and I couldn't choose between three degrees and I finally heard my mom say, "Maybe it doesn't matter." And that bugged me at first because I wanted so badly to do what I was MEANT to do. But it gave me the freedom to just make a choice and I graduated. So, maybe this is the same thing. Maybe whether I adopt, foster, or just have Kate doesn't really matter. I could probably pick one out of a hat. In fact, I might just do that tonight.
With all of these thoughts today I began to feel an urgency to research and pursue a Master's Degree. I feel like this should wait, at least the classes and coursework, until Kate is in first grade, 2012. But thoughts came to me of things I want to research now so I can prepare and get everything ready. This is not what I had planned at all.
I had some conversations with my family over the last weekend (all of which say they are too busy to read my blog). And I mentioned to them what I am going through and I think they thought I needed to put on my big girl panties and just be grateful for what I have. I know they can't understand why I'm having such a dilemma with this. While bucking up and braving the hard with a cheerful face is a good idea, I don't know how to stop the wanting, the feeling of loss, and the impression that I am not as blessed.
Argh! I need to get over this and I just don't know how. This is getting so old and obnoxious. It is consuming me. I feel completely annoyed. I think I need to go CLEAN SOMETHING! I will begin in the bathroom.
But I still have all the hard choices to make of whether to adopt, or foster, or not do anything at all. This is so hard and so personal and I don't even know which direction I'm headed. I don't know what the RIGHT decision is. I have a feeling that this will be a lot like my college decision - when I was trying to decide which degree to pursue I was in a cunundrum and I couldn't choose between three degrees and I finally heard my mom say, "Maybe it doesn't matter." And that bugged me at first because I wanted so badly to do what I was MEANT to do. But it gave me the freedom to just make a choice and I graduated. So, maybe this is the same thing. Maybe whether I adopt, foster, or just have Kate doesn't really matter. I could probably pick one out of a hat. In fact, I might just do that tonight.
With all of these thoughts today I began to feel an urgency to research and pursue a Master's Degree. I feel like this should wait, at least the classes and coursework, until Kate is in first grade, 2012. But thoughts came to me of things I want to research now so I can prepare and get everything ready. This is not what I had planned at all.
I had some conversations with my family over the last weekend (all of which say they are too busy to read my blog). And I mentioned to them what I am going through and I think they thought I needed to put on my big girl panties and just be grateful for what I have. I know they can't understand why I'm having such a dilemma with this. While bucking up and braving the hard with a cheerful face is a good idea, I don't know how to stop the wanting, the feeling of loss, and the impression that I am not as blessed.
Argh! I need to get over this and I just don't know how. This is getting so old and obnoxious. It is consuming me. I feel completely annoyed. I think I need to go CLEAN SOMETHING! I will begin in the bathroom.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"Everyone Has A Wii"
That's what a neighbor boy told me today.
He asked Kate, "Do you have a Wii?"
She said, "No."
So the boy said, "Every boy I know has a Wii."
All I could do was chuckle. {Has everyone else my age already made this connection? I remember thinking how poorly named that gaming system is when it came out but having this little boy say all that reminded me.}
"Wii" just sounds so much like the word we used for potty talk as kids. You know, "wee" and "wee-wee".
He asked Kate, "Do you have a Wii?"
She said, "No."
So the boy said, "Every boy I know has a Wii."
All I could do was chuckle. {Has everyone else my age already made this connection? I remember thinking how poorly named that gaming system is when it came out but having this little boy say all that reminded me.}
"Wii" just sounds so much like the word we used for potty talk as kids. You know, "wee" and "wee-wee".
Mommy & Me: Mrs. Cavanaugh's Chocolate Factory Tour
Front Row: Another Katie, India, My Katie, Elliot, Archer
In the back is India's little sis, Maya, Celine, and John Michael
We went to the chocolate factory with some of our neighbor friends and moms. Kate was so excited to go with her friends and talked about the chocolate factory with everyone we saw for two days.
We were watching a cool movie on the history of chocolate and the process from cocoa bean to chocolate treat. All the while, the kids made cute comments like they were watching fireworks, "Ewww", "Yummy," "Mmmm."
Elliot, Kate, Archer, Kate, India
After we saw all the different areas of the factory through upstairs windows, we watched the I Love Lucy Episode when Lucy and Ethel are working at a chocolate factory. No matter how many times I see that episode I slap my knee and laugh hysterically.
We picked out a bunch of treats after the tour. Kate bought one of those Jelly Belly rats and a huge, gold-wrapped, chocolate coin. I bought an 8 oz. package of Mindy Mints to share with Scott! YUM!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sometimes There's Calm
Over the years, especially the last three, I have felt like I've been bobbing along in the ocean; sometimes there's calm, sometimes the storms rage. For now, the wave of pain is gone. I see a glassy sea all around me and the dark clouds are lifting. I am no longer about to be swallowed up into the depths of the sea.
I had a special moment on Sunday. Scott and I went to a baby blessing for my brother's fourth daughter and afterward, we went to his home for a luncheon. I was doing all I could to hold it together and make this day about my brother, and his wife, and their precious children. I did not want to fall apart in tears for my lack of children. I'd made it through and we were about to leave and I was just gazing thoughtfully at my brother and sister-in-law as another family member took adorable pictures of them with their newest baby girl in her white blessing dress. My thoughts were heading toward that dangerous place - of me focusing on what I lack. I was in that moment right before despair took over and then I shifted my eyes just a couple of degrees to the left and saw Scott just behind the happy family and he was gazing at me knowingly with a soft, loving smile on his face. I was instantly well. The look on his face told me that he knew. I didn't have to tell him how hard this all was. I didn't have to say anything. He knew. And he was there for me. I knew in that moment that he was and is my forever companion through all the ups and downs and that he will always be pulling for me. I knew that nothing could tear us apart or take away the reality of what we have together.
After my last post, I received comfort from comments on the blog, a call from a wonderful home teacher, and an email from a dear friend. A couple people have even told me they are praying for me. I cannot begin to express the gratitude in my heart to know that someone would care enough to pray for me. I have answers and direction that I didn't have before. I know I'm not alone. I know God hasn't abandoned me. I know this isn't out of meanness or some horrible punishment from God. I know God loves me as He does all of His children. I know He aches for me. I also know that I can do more good in the world if I survive.
I had a special moment on Sunday. Scott and I went to a baby blessing for my brother's fourth daughter and afterward, we went to his home for a luncheon. I was doing all I could to hold it together and make this day about my brother, and his wife, and their precious children. I did not want to fall apart in tears for my lack of children. I'd made it through and we were about to leave and I was just gazing thoughtfully at my brother and sister-in-law as another family member took adorable pictures of them with their newest baby girl in her white blessing dress. My thoughts were heading toward that dangerous place - of me focusing on what I lack. I was in that moment right before despair took over and then I shifted my eyes just a couple of degrees to the left and saw Scott just behind the happy family and he was gazing at me knowingly with a soft, loving smile on his face. I was instantly well. The look on his face told me that he knew. I didn't have to tell him how hard this all was. I didn't have to say anything. He knew. And he was there for me. I knew in that moment that he was and is my forever companion through all the ups and downs and that he will always be pulling for me. I knew that nothing could tear us apart or take away the reality of what we have together.
After my last post, I received comfort from comments on the blog, a call from a wonderful home teacher, and an email from a dear friend. A couple people have even told me they are praying for me. I cannot begin to express the gratitude in my heart to know that someone would care enough to pray for me. I have answers and direction that I didn't have before. I know I'm not alone. I know God hasn't abandoned me. I know this isn't out of meanness or some horrible punishment from God. I know God loves me as He does all of His children. I know He aches for me. I also know that I can do more good in the world if I survive.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Devastated
***WARNING TO MALE READERS*** You might not want to read this post. You might feel unalterably uncomfortable if you continue perusing. I mean, we're talking about monthly visitors and all that girly-stuff so... I'm just warning you.
I'm pretty much dragging along today. Life is good and I know I could be happy if I just let this go but I'm holding on for right now. I feel tricked! I feel like God is just taunting me. I go along okay. I'm managing. In the back of my mind, I think about how fun it would be to have a few children and I look at how easy it is for so many people and I wonder why it is hard for Scott and I.
My visitor, on average, comes every 30 days. This month, I was 8 days late and I thought for sure this was THE month. I told Scott and we agreed to test on Wednesday, the 10th if I was still late that would make me 12-whole days late. That's never happened to me before. Surely I would be pregnant and the test would be positive and we would have this UBER-special surprise to share with everyone for Thanksgiving or if I really had patience, Christmas. What a special moment that would be.
I felt the joy of each new day, seeing that still, my visitor wasn't coming. Scott was cautiously excited for us. I was everyday, begging God to make this the real thing. I was afraid to test because I was afraid that it was just a fluke. Just hormones gone array. Just me showing my 30-something, too old for babies, age. But than I had moments of shear joy, thinking this must be it! This must be my dream finally realized. Finally, a sibling for Kate. Finally I'm not the unfavored daughter of God waiting, eternally in the mushpot. Finally, finally something exciting for me! Finally...
But, as luck would have it, the test was negative. I came out calm. Only one small tear down my cheek and an extremely long hug from Scott. We went to bed. Scott immediately fell asleep upon hitting the pillow - as he most often does - and I laid there beginning my whine to God.
I started out by telling Him that I just couldn't pray tonight, I'm just too hurt. I took this one personally because I thought the least He could do if He really didn't plan on sending me His greatest of all gifts is send my visitor at least somewhat on time so I didn't build up my hopes so high. But as I told Him that I didn't want to talk to Him. The tears flowed and I sobbed and sobbed. "What do I do now?, " I asked Him, "How do I overcome this devastation? How will I ever feel your (speaking to God still) love again? You couldn't possibly really love me. What is the point of all this? I know I said I would look into adoption if this month didn't work for us but I can't. I don't want to adopt."
A little after midnight, my prayer turned into a plea. I then I begged for comfort. "Please send me angels to carry me through this. Hold me. Please, I feel so alone." I begged for this in a silent chant for a few minutes with only my audible sobs giving me away. Scott heard and let out a quiet, "I'm sorry, Julie." And that was it. I got the message from God that He wasn't even going to send angels to comfort me. Honestly! Couldn't He have done that one small thing? Just to show that He gets it. I know He woke Scott to quasi-comfort me because why would He send angels when there is a perfectly able human lying beside me. But I wanted more. I wanted to be held the whole night through. I wanted promises of the better gift that was just around the corner.
So, now I'm doubly devastated. No angels, no baby. I'm not dead yet, that's good, but I'm pretty beat up from my rough night. I have no idea where to go from here.
I'm pretty much dragging along today. Life is good and I know I could be happy if I just let this go but I'm holding on for right now. I feel tricked! I feel like God is just taunting me. I go along okay. I'm managing. In the back of my mind, I think about how fun it would be to have a few children and I look at how easy it is for so many people and I wonder why it is hard for Scott and I.
My visitor, on average, comes every 30 days. This month, I was 8 days late and I thought for sure this was THE month. I told Scott and we agreed to test on Wednesday, the 10th if I was still late that would make me 12-whole days late. That's never happened to me before. Surely I would be pregnant and the test would be positive and we would have this UBER-special surprise to share with everyone for Thanksgiving or if I really had patience, Christmas. What a special moment that would be.
I felt the joy of each new day, seeing that still, my visitor wasn't coming. Scott was cautiously excited for us. I was everyday, begging God to make this the real thing. I was afraid to test because I was afraid that it was just a fluke. Just hormones gone array. Just me showing my 30-something, too old for babies, age. But than I had moments of shear joy, thinking this must be it! This must be my dream finally realized. Finally, a sibling for Kate. Finally I'm not the unfavored daughter of God waiting, eternally in the mushpot. Finally, finally something exciting for me! Finally...
But, as luck would have it, the test was negative. I came out calm. Only one small tear down my cheek and an extremely long hug from Scott. We went to bed. Scott immediately fell asleep upon hitting the pillow - as he most often does - and I laid there beginning my whine to God.
I started out by telling Him that I just couldn't pray tonight, I'm just too hurt. I took this one personally because I thought the least He could do if He really didn't plan on sending me His greatest of all gifts is send my visitor at least somewhat on time so I didn't build up my hopes so high. But as I told Him that I didn't want to talk to Him. The tears flowed and I sobbed and sobbed. "What do I do now?, " I asked Him, "How do I overcome this devastation? How will I ever feel your (speaking to God still) love again? You couldn't possibly really love me. What is the point of all this? I know I said I would look into adoption if this month didn't work for us but I can't. I don't want to adopt."
A little after midnight, my prayer turned into a plea. I then I begged for comfort. "Please send me angels to carry me through this. Hold me. Please, I feel so alone." I begged for this in a silent chant for a few minutes with only my audible sobs giving me away. Scott heard and let out a quiet, "I'm sorry, Julie." And that was it. I got the message from God that He wasn't even going to send angels to comfort me. Honestly! Couldn't He have done that one small thing? Just to show that He gets it. I know He woke Scott to quasi-comfort me because why would He send angels when there is a perfectly able human lying beside me. But I wanted more. I wanted to be held the whole night through. I wanted promises of the better gift that was just around the corner.
So, now I'm doubly devastated. No angels, no baby. I'm not dead yet, that's good, but I'm pretty beat up from my rough night. I have no idea where to go from here.
Some Fun
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Scott's Response...
Scott is such a good sport. He chuckled when he read my last post about the bathing thing. He still took his 20-30 minute bath but he snuck it in a little later in the evening so it wasn't so disruptive. I love that he didn't get defensive about it. And I love that my rant didn't even make him change his ways. He's such a strong character.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Feedback Please!
So, how many days a week should a grown man bathe?
{and by bathe, I mean, take a long, moderately hot bath, for 20 minutes or so - with a book}
Keep in mind that this bath is between 5:00 and 7:00 pm? When the man's family is either getting dinner ready or cleaning up after dinner.
I really need some feedback because I think there is something insanely wrong with a man who takes a bath. I always thought baths were for girls and girly men.
Ask anyone you know and add their feedback also. Thanks!
{and by bathe, I mean, take a long, moderately hot bath, for 20 minutes or so - with a book}
Keep in mind that this bath is between 5:00 and 7:00 pm? When the man's family is either getting dinner ready or cleaning up after dinner.
I really need some feedback because I think there is something insanely wrong with a man who takes a bath. I always thought baths were for girls and girly men.
Ask anyone you know and add their feedback also. Thanks!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
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