Eulogy for Puppy-Puppy

Puppy 2006-2009

We lost puppy at some point while we were in Park City for the day with my family. We didn't realize he was gone until we arrived at the cabin to spend the night. I hoped he was just wedged somewhere in the truck but I did a thorough search the next day when we made it home.

Kate - Jan 2007

I miss him. Puppy was such a special part of our family. He could always make Kate happy. We animated him at first but then he began to animate us. He was real to us. I'm crying even now. Saturday night after putting Kate to bed I just cried and cried. He's a symbol of Kate's childhood. He's in every memory. I thought of him just left some-where in Park City and it makes me sick. Maybe we knocked him out of the truck coming in or out. Maybe Kate took him with her to the Park and left him on a slide. I just don't know.

Kate sleeping - May 2007

I even called the City Park in Park City to see if they found him. No word yet. If I had the guts, I'd drive down and retrace my steps from the outlets, to the Alpine Slide, the Roller Coaster, the bathrooms, the sandwich place, the parking lot, the City Park, Mirror Lake... I'm positive I would lose myself trying to find our lost puppy. Puppy-Puppy.

Kate's favorites: Puppy & Bink - Nov 2007

Kate has been sugar & spice about it all too. She's trying to be strong. The first night at the cabin, I still had hope that I would find him so she was content to sleep with a little stuffed moose that Grandma B keeps on the couch. The next night she told me how much she would miss him. The third night, she awoke in the middle of the night and asked for him. She cried a little when I reminded her that he's gone. "But I need him." she pleaded. It broke my heart. Yesterday, we were talking about him and she said, "I miss puppy. He was such a good boy when I had him." Later she saw a Barbie blanket that she lovingly referred to as Puppy's blanket. It was pink and silky. She always wrapped him in it at bedtime. She found it and said, "Oh, Puppy's blanket." She started to tear up. "Where is puppy?" I told her again how we lost him and that maybe a little girl found him and is loving him for us. She said, "But his blankey. He needs his blankey." She was so sad for him and her eyes were full of tears.

I'm grateful that I genuinely miss him too. It has made it easier to comfort her and show more compassion. When she feels sad and talks about how much she misses him, I can whole-heatedly embrace her and mourn with her instead of making her shrug it off and cowgirl up. So I guess that's my God Principle out of this tragedy. Not to cowgirl up but that Christ overcame the world. He truly can succor us because he genuinely felt/feels our pains etc.

Oh, Puppy-puppy, I had hoped to save you for when Kate was all grown up and on her own. I had hoped to pull you out of your treasured place on a featured shelf and show Kate how much she loved you by the wear of your fur. I would have reminded her of how much she loved to twirl your brown tail in and out and around her fingers. And how she rubbed it under her nose. That was the plan.

Last night, she went to bed with her white, stuffed kitty. Kitty came with us on our errand to the store yesterday. Kate says kitty is a girl kitty. Grandma M gave Kate the kitty for her birthday last year because it had a nice tail, like Puppy-puppy.

Kitty has a pretty face with blue eyes and a pink nose but I'll never forget how Kate would communicate to me about puppy by panting like a dog and later, barking until she was old enough to speak words.

I'll always remember how puppy, especially his tail, could soothe her like nothing else.

If there ever was anything or anyone more real, puppy was.

Oh, The Joy...

We have a local nutrition store that carries herbs, essentials oils, vitamin and mineral supplements, health food and the like. They have a little play room that's about 5' X 5' with walls all around it, no roof, and a 3' - 4' door with a knob that only opens from the outside.

Everytime we go, Kate plays in the little room full of toys. She never shuts the door so she can run in and out to see me and show me the toys that she is playing with. We were only there five minutes or less and I had all my purchases ready. I went to the play room to tell her that it was time to gather things up because we would be leaving as soon as I paid for my things.

I peeked over the short wall and Kate was crouching in the corner.

I had to ask what she was doing-Duh! Looking back, I can't believe I didn't even guess it, she was pooping!

She was wearing a little cotton dress and panties. I could imagine the bulge that was in her panties. I sternly told her to get her kitty and get out of there so we could take care of the mess in the bathroom. I ran to the checkout to pay for my things. Meanwhile, Kate says, "Uh-oh, Mommy, one fell out." A second later she came to me with her fist gripping the renagade poopie as she reached out to hand it to me. Of course, I made sure she held on to that until we got into the bathroom so she could put it in the potty. And the silver lining - I had a backup pair of panties in my purse and we threw away the soiled pair because I wasn't about to clean it off and haul it home.

What a smelly mess. Joy.

Melancholy

I feel horrible that Melancholy is the best word that I can use to describe myself right now. I should be so happy. Everything is so great. I've never had the summer blues before. My blues always seem to come in the winter, but nonetheless, here I am, glum.

BLAH.............................

I need to snap out of it and show Kate a good time. But I just can't. But here are some pictures of the last week or two in hopes of cheering myself up.

Kate's cousin, Zac, took this close-up of Kate. I love it. I was watching him and his two sisters and I gave him the camera while the girls played dress-up. Earlier that day, Scott and I were working in the yard and Kate found this Christmas wrapping paper and played with it for over a half hour. First it was a map and in the end it was a fortress. I'm not sure how many things it was in between.

We had some more cousins over another day. These girls played so well. Kate was in heaven.

Later that week the girls came up to the cabin with us and some of my family. I love this with all of them cuddled together and little Presley holding her Barbie doll.

Here are the girls ready for a ride, my mom, actually in the picture and smiling-amazing, and the tall guy, Jake, is a really great guy who Jill is dating. This was a first meeting for many of us and it went very well.

Jill's dating is really the only fun thing going on in our family. It's almost all we have to talk about. I think we are all living through her. I hope she is able to get through it. I'm sure it's driving her crazy with all of us telling her what we think she should do-too many cooks in the kitchen for her, I'm sure.

And of course Kate. She LOVES going to the cabin. Because of a lack of fundage, we've spent every free moment we have up at the cabin. Scott has really enjoyed sharing his special, most favorite place with his girl. "Go Faster, Daddy!"

Here's my Dad and Samantha. It's really nice of Scott's parents to share the cabin with my family. We really had such a great time.

Highlights: marshmallow fight using blow guns; meeting Jake; celebrating Jeni's birthday; playing Pounce (a FUN card game that Jake taught us); playing Lucky Unders (another fun card game that we taught him); playing two truths and a lie; playing the ten finger game (but Jeni had to get home early so it was the five finger game); seeing the kids have fun; having everyone together; getting home in time to meet Jeff and Anna's new baby at the hospital.

The Ball & The Dance

The Ball: Kate with her neighbor-friend, Kate



These kids played so cute. I love when they get all dressed up for "the ball".

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The Dance:

The other day, Kate and I were at the store to buy some sesame seeds. We grabbed the seeds and we were at the self checkout when Kate told me she needed to go potty. I was about to put the money in the slot when she told me again with a little more insistence. I was starting to put the change in when she said, "Maah-meee, I'm doing the potty dance!" And boy was she ever dancing like she had ants in her pants. She was all over the place. I was laughing so hard. I grabbed my receipt. I was gathering my things when I turned around and saw that she had found the carts that have cars in front, which distracted her from her intense need to go potty. As she climbed into the car. I told her, "Okay, we need to go so you can go potty, quick." Then with a look of horror, she looked up at me. She had leaked a little bit in the car. As she got out, she leaked a little more. I repeated, "Quick, we gotta go, Katie. Hurry!" And then more and then... "uh-oh."

Kate wanted to go back in the car even though both her dress and the floor were all wet with her pee-pee. When I told her again that we needed to go and I tried to pick her up, she went boneless and told me that she didn't need to "go" anymore. In her mind, the urgency was over.

I managed to tell a bagger that my daughter had an accident and he just stared at me. I looked at him to do something and reiterated, pointing to the mess and he just stared at me and looked around for someone else. I turned to scoop squealing, kicking Katie from the floor and he was gone. She cried and kicked all the way out. I told Kate how sorry I was for not getting her to the potty in time. And that she could ride in the pretend car another time but that we needed to get cleaned up first.

I hope they got the spill all cleaned up. I'm sorry that my negligence contributed to the unsanitary nature of grocery carts.

Rivals: Christmas and July

Ate a big breakfast at Dee's-California Omlet, mmmm.
Went to Thanksgiving Point.
Set out chairs for the C-ville parade the night before.
Ate BBQ with the fam'.
Walked to the park.
Had front row seats to the fireworks-didn't mind the ashes.
Got lots of candy-some from the floats, some from Aunt Jeni who brings her own candy to throw from the crowd.
Drove to the cabin.
Read some of a good book about World War II and part of The Gettysburg Address.
Cried reading about Kitty DeRuyter and how she got her special dress for the dance.
Hung out, looked for animals.
Went to church in a SMALL town ward.
Ate delicious food.
Thought 4th of July has got to be the greatest holiday ever!

Setting out chairs the night before the parade has to be my most favorite event ever. I loved seeing people camping out, just chilling in their chairs as if something was supposed to happen soon. People had the street lined with chairs much earlier than the city allowed so when we got there, we took the second row in front of city hall and I waited for Scott to bring the car over with all the chairs and things. While I waited, I got talking to someone else who was chilling in her staked out spot and found out that I knew her family and what a small world... I love small towns. I love the energy of Independence Day and what it stands for. It's something that we can all agree on.