One might look in at me and say that, as of late, I am going through a bit of a crusty phase. That one would be a generous soul because not only is it more than lately but it is not me being a bit crusty but full-on and most despicably crusty.
I can't put my finger on the root of my disease yet. You can vote if you want - or if you have a better option that I haven't thought of... by all means share.
Cause of My Crustiness - Option #1
Could be the diet and exercise program I just started a month ago. Eating 1,550 calories a day and exercising so hard and so long that I wonder if maybe I secretly hate myself and am just trying to sadistically torture myself could be starting to wear on me. I'm not indulging myself with food as I always used to, oak. I mean come on, we all know that I was putting on the pounds. I used to use my kitchenaid three or four times a week to make sweet treats like cakes (that were 1,200 calories a slice), brownies (full of chocolate chips), and cookies (of every variety). True, I shared with neighbors and family but when I made treats I would have a bit of the batter, okay, a lot of batter, and at least fresh cookies out of the oven and three more once Kate went to bed. As of right now, my kitchenaid is dusty and has only been used twice in two months. I know it's been a long time since I enjoyed deliciousness because the other day, I ate a square of bittersweet baker's chocolate and LIKED it. That's bad. Yes, possibly I am so starved for fat, calories, and sugar that I'm crusty and snappy. Possibly I have thrown my whole entire female ecosystem out of whack with all the exercise. Possibly my vanity is destroying my congeniality. Possibly.
Cause of My Crustiness - Option # 2
Could be the fact that no one cares a lick about me. I invited like 20 neighbor girls over for a movie night, ONE SHOWED UP! OUCH! I tried to remember that I didn't give some of them good notice. I tried to point out to myself that some of them were invited via email, which evidently some people, those ones who actually have meaningful things to do other than sit in front of the computer, don't check their emails all that often. I tried to remember all that but it still made me feel totally lame. Nobody calls me to see how I'm doing (not that I would be nice to them if they did). And to top it all off - nobody seems to want to leave comments on my blog anymore. Wait, you mean people aren't checking my blog everyday in hopes that I have something to say to entertain them? Shocking! My family claims they are too busy and when they do read it, they don't comment. Maybe I'm just not that interesting. I feel so isolated. I didn't go to the ward picnic last Saturday partly because I just didn't think I could be nice. I feel like a brat. I feel like a snot. I feel like nobody could like me.
Cause of My Crustiness - Option #3
Could be the last failed fertility measure. We tried IUI last month. The doctor filled Scott with so much confidence that this was going to work for us (granted he said it could take a few tries) but I even started to believe that it might work. People even prayed for us. Little children even. Poor things. I hope they don't grow up thinking prayers aren't ever answered; that's kinda how I feel.
The fertility thing is conflicting because on the one hand, I'm way to selfish to have more children. I like how easy my life is. I sleep at night. I have time to do hobbies and have my own pursuits. Kate is in Kindergarten and it's 2.5 hours of free babysitting. I am completely spoiled. I could even go back to school next year and get started on a Master's Degree if I so desired. Yet, even in all my sincerely selfish feelings, a little piece of me feels rejected and sad that we haven't been given the opportunity to fill our lives with family. A part feels empty - unloved - unworthy. I have that little piece that believes that God just doesn't give a hoot about me. I know it seems absurd to think that God doesn't care but it's something people struggling with infertility go through because all the people with quivers of children talk about how blessed they are to have such wonderful children. All the people with their plenty and abundance go around spouting how blessed they are and how God entrusted them with His special, most choice spirits. Yeah, I suck.
Plus, everyone around me is shocked when I tell them I don't want to try to conceive anymore. That I'm ready to give up and say "phooey". I believe people around me think lightening is going to strike me. They all wonder how I could lose faith. How dare I lose faith in God and His power to bless. Phooey. I say. Phooey. He has power. I know He can do ALL things. But I also know that His ways are not our ways. For some reason, He wants us to go through this. Having faith that He will bless us with more children is foolish because He might not and I would just waste more years of my life hoping for something that was never in my plan to begin with.
Most Probable Cause...
Actually, I know it now. I'm so crusty because, for so long, I've been trying not to let the hurt get to me by using anger and ambivalence to soften the blow but all it's doing is festering and growing into a big, gang-green infested, I-clearly-need-an-amputation, sore. I really did okay for a little while. But with all the adoption stuff, Scott and I went through a new phase of anger that I never thought we could attain. The process was so rough for us that we withdrew. Maybe someday things will be different and we will try again to adopt. I know people will judge us as evil for not pursuing adoption right now but we are clearly not strong enough for it. Those who are able to complete an adoption are geniuses and have hearts of GOLD! I bow to them in sincere admiration and respect. We just can't do it.
But, I'm getting tired of the anger. I want to be soft and sweet. I want people to feel they can come to me and not have their heads chopped off with my venomousness. I want to have love again. I want to focus on my gratitude for what a have. And everyone I ever talk to says, "Oh, but you have one. You have Katie. You are so lucky. So blessed." I know. Thanks for reminding me. Hurray. My life is full of joy. I will just go slam my head in the door a few times so I remember next time I forget.
My biggest worry is that God will find a way to soften me that I don't
like. I'm trying, desperately, to think of a way to soften myself so I
don't receive God's chastisement. Oh, MERCY! Please, Mercy.
Peace. Thanks for nothing. Remember not to talk to me for a few years - when I possibly have overcome my salty, evil ways. Remember that I'm ugly right now. Remember that my sign around my neck says, "BEWARE OF MEAN PERSON!"
I'm so sorry, in advance, and in the past, for not being the beautiful person that everyone else deserves me to be because I know everyone is going through something.
9 comments:
Julie Beth Bangerter. I hear you. I feel you. I want you to take this comment as a giant hug from me. I don't have words to make it all better because I have never experienced what you are dealing with. But I want you to know that I CARE ABOUT YOU!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!
As evidence of my love, care and concern for you: I stressed over that stupid fire because I thought your house might be engulfed in flames and I knew you were just too cool-as-a-cucumber (and not easily spooked like me) to leave. :)
First, way to go with the diet and exercise, girl!! You're awesome! Keep it up! But don't go crazy, reward yourself with something yummy sometimes.
Second, you are justified in feeling the way that you do. I can't imagine the magnitude of this trial, or the pain and anger caused by it. But I should send you to time-out for the way you're talking about yourself. God loves you and does feel that you are deserving of happiness. For whatever reason, this is your trial. He knows you can handle it, He knows what you're supposed to learn from it, and He is there to help you get through it. And you don't have to do it all right now, but over time. I think it's absolutely necessary and healthy to feel intensely angry about this. If you weren't angry, I'd be worried. But dig deep and find that patience to endure and learn.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling isolated and unloved. That means I've been a bad friend., and so I'm sorry. Hang in there. Muster up that faith of yours. Call me if you want!!!
P.S. No one (but you) comments on my blog either. People suck.
I totally agree with the previous comment! I tried leaving a comment earlier but kept accidentally erasing it :( but your friend said it best! You have every right to feel the way you do. But the Lord really is with you, don't let Satan convince you otherwise. :)
I commented. And go read your email. :) Love ya.
No great advice here, Julie. You are totally entitled to your feelings. I do know, however, that God really does love you. And one day soon, something will happen, little or big, that will remind you of that. I promise. Let it in when it happens. And I'm not judging you for not completing the adoption--it sounds brutal. Absolutely brutal.
Ok. So, I totally LOVE crusty then. Your honesty in emotions is not a bad thing. It's refreshing actually. Since when do we have to feel happy about trials. We have to go through emotions to get past them...so let them loose! I always hate it when we hear comments like 'find joy in trial, journey, etc'. Those are special people that can be embraced with such rose colored glasses. I am not one of them. I say find some truth in it. Which seems like what you are doing. This sucks for you on so many levels in so many ways, it's ok to feel like that. Hardship are just that HARD. Questioning love and support right now would seem far more normal to me than anything else. And those people judging you...they will be judged for that. Making hard decisions and being faced with a reality you don't want...that's heroic not chastisable. And accepting the fact that you are angry about it, shows strength. Anger...it's real and it really is ok. And your desire to be rid of it will allow that to happen with time.
Have some compassion for yourself and your reality.
On a side note. I always read your blog but have, yes, become too lazy to always comment. I will do better because you should never feel like no one cares and you're always so wonderful to write on mine.
And I would have come to your movie night...no matter how crusty you are.
I really like your blog and what you have to say. I found your blog through Jaymie's.
I lost a baby at 20 weeks over a year ago and haven't been able to bring myself to try again because I feel so hurt and traumatized by the way in which I lost my baby. I have felt hurt and angry with an all knowing and all powerful God and in those moments I am just a daughter. His little girl that is hurting. And He is God, a God that understands my pain and loves me enough that I will not be punished for being human and experiencing all human emotions.
He is a loving Heavenly Father and we truly are just daughters. Sometimes it is that simple.
Okay I feel bad that I haven't looked at your blog for a while! I missed the Airboat post and the haircut-both awesome. Julie, You are loved! Wow, you knew 20 people to invite? That is much much better than I could do! But u didn't invite me:-)? I have more to say, but my phone is dying....I will email you. We love you!
Julie, Julie, Julie. Sounds like you are having a big struggle. You are loved by many. I have invited neighbors and family over and had 0 show up. It hurts I know. (PS you didn't invite me :)) So sorry!
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