Scott's pretty stressed about work these days. Every time we have family prayer and it's my turn to say it, he asks (as if we've never talked about it before) for me to pray for the business and he gives me a specific goal to ask help on. He's always prayed for help with the business, even when it was his dad's. The funny part of it all is I'm so not worried. I don't stress over it a minute. I just know that it will all work out. But at the same time, I stew and worry over having more children. I am always trying to figure out how to make each month "the month." Even the months that I say, "I'm not going to think about it this month, I'm not going to look at the calendar, I'm not going to try at all..." Yes, even those months it's a thought in the back of my mind. Yet, he doesn't worry a thing about it. He knows that it will all just work out.
I know that I'm supposed to just not worry about it anymore and then it will happen, right? Everyone has stories. But if someone could tell me how those people stopped thinking about it, that would help a bunch. :)
It's been, hmmn, since like May of 2007 that we've been waiting for our family to GROW. I only worry because I know that we waited for Kate a considerable length of time too (3 years). I can't really talk about it to my family anymore because my two sisters are in exactly the same boat--the family of three boat--and all three of us have different reasons for not being able to have more. One of my sisters is SO over it and is all moved on to a whole other place of happiness and I'm sure she thinks I need to let it go and plan my life for just one child. My other sister has other reasons why she can't have children =no hubby :( And I can't talk to my mom because she is so over it and then some. You can only talk something to death a few times before it becomes a nuisance. And plus, she sees one child as an opportunity for an easy job at motherhood. She probably thinks I'm so lucky. So here I am. I'm not upset about it today, it's just on my mind and I just always wonder. I have a lot of other support. Most of the people I know are aware that we would like to have more children. So nobody ever says the wrong thing. Although, I don't have a problem if someone ever does-It's all good.
The thing is I know that I have a whole life ahead of me to have another child and it could totally happen six years from now, six months from now, or not at all. And I know there are all kinds of medical procedures that can assist people but that is not an option right now. And I know that I could adopt or do foster care but I'm not ready for that yet. So, once again, here I am.
Don't get me wrong, Kate is enough. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Everything about my life with Scott and Kate is so choice. I am intensely grateful to a loving Heavenly Father for giving me the chance to be pregnant and experience all that motherhood has had to offer so far. I know what a miracle I already have. There is only this little piece of me that would love to give Kate siblings. I have such wonderful sisters, sister-in-laws, brothers, and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews and I want Kate to have all that. I want posterity that goes on and on and on...
So there you have my deepest of all concerns. A girl has to worry about something. Luckily it has been long enough that I'm pretty numb. I can carry on each day without a trigger that brings me to tears. I really am mostly okay. I know God has a plan for me. I know there is a reason for everything. I know that years from now I will be grateful for how everything turned out. I'm not sad, as much as I am just a little unsettled.
11 comments:
Hey, I was honestly thinking of you and babies this Friday as your sister-in-law was scraping who knows what off of my teeth at the dentist. My best advise to you would be to "enjoy the journey" about a week before general conference I was thinking to myself "Ahh I can't wait until my kids are a little older, then I will be able to do more things, have a clean house, not yell as much, and on and on" Something that President Monson said in his talk changed me a little, by a little I mean that I still think it will be nice when they are older but... since then I have tried to enjoy what I have been given because I will never have this time with a 5 year old a 2 year old and an 8 month old ever again so I need to make the best of it. Wow, how is that for a run on sentence? I'm not giving you this advise because I "enjoy every moment" we all have our struggles. I don't know if this makes any sense but it's the best I've got so I hope it helps a little. Hang in there. Like you said the Lord has a plan, so just enjoy this time until your plan and His meet up:)
I really think that talking about your frustrations sometimes can make things a little lighter. I'm still grateful to you for listening to me that 1st year of marriage, and everything got sooo much better. So just know that if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.
I can't imagine your pain and frustration. And the faith that You & Scott still have is amazing. Although you may not be ready yet for adoption, my aunt was just writing about their 2 adoptions the other day.If you're interested,here is her blog http://salternut.blogspot.com.
I'm seriously praying for you guys to have another little one, because I know Suzie really wants another cousin to play with.
So I am guessing that I am the sister that is "so over it". It is sad to think that our children will not have the joy of siblings, however they do have each other. It doesn't matter how you are related, by marriage or cousins, what matters is that you build close relationships with other people. Sorry you are so "worried" about this Julie. It will all be ok, maybe not the way you planned but it will be "ok".
hi julie,
it took me 13 months to get pregnant with dylan, and i was a basket case the whole time. i can't imagine how people (you, your sisters) handle it so gracefully and seemingly calmly....you have a great family! i hope you get another baby, i bet it'll happen for you one way or another-- exactly when it's supposed to! (we don't know God's mind!)
I have a few cliches that would work perfect right here...but alas, that would only annoy the both of us! *wink* Really, those other people with the stories never stopped thinking about it. They simply made choices to think about other things too and then it happened. So the goal isn't to stop thinking about it, it's to not let it stop you from thinking of other things. Maybe you'll have another baby, maybe you won't, maybe your trials really have nothing to do with the growth of your family and that's just what is on your mind for right now, maybe your trail is patiences, maybe it's to prove your readiness, maybe it's for Katie's sake, maybe it's for a million other things that I could magically make sound good and right...but I do think they are just for you. Something 'special' that was carved for your personal experiece and learning.
My heart hurts for anyone in your situation, I don't fully understand it myself but our lives as women are typically driven by motherhood and to be somehow 'let down' in that department is extremely difficult to wrap my mind around it. Especially when someone as wonderful as you is dealing with such hard things.
I am kind of babbling here a little bit and what I just really want to say is I am sorry this road is hard right now. I am sorry that you have to deal with this hardship and I hope you find some peace among it!
Hugs ~ jh
What a nice post. I hope you know you can always talk to me about it! You are so great to listen to my vents about anything and everything. Hang in there! (and try an ovulation kit!!)
Ok, so before I go on and offer my empathy because I really have no advice, I have to ask the basic q's for stuff you've done so far (I'm assuming so since you've already gone through this w/ Kate):
1. Checked EVERYTHING out medically, hormonely, production, for both you AND Scott (the guy is key).
2. That includes making sure you're ovulating, tubes are open, hormones are balanced, etc.
3. You've read, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and you're tracking temps, etc.. That is THE best book in terms of helping you address possible fertility challenges, etc.
It took us 18 months to get E. We finally got pregnant after I got a hystersalpingogram (sp?) to make sure my tubes were open. One wasn't, so they popped it open and the next month was the month.
Maybe this is tmi, but honestly, check EVERYTHING out health wise for both you and scott backwards and forwards.
Then, if you've done that and come back empty handed, then before trying more invasive fertility procedures you could try Clomid, after that the next invasive is AI, after that IVF.
I have no good advice, other than to offer my deepest empathy. It is heart breaking and any woman who wants a baby badly has felt similar feelings, so I'm truly sorry. Sometimes no words of advice take away the pain and it just takes time to come to a place of neutrality.
Julie,
I am so not good at saying these things, but I am so sorry. So many others have had great advice, but I don't have any. In my job, I see so many families that have children that they either don't care about, don't know how to care about, or are indifferent to. It drives me crazy. It is one of MY tests because I have such a hard time knowing wonderful people like you and several of my friends who cannot have the babies they want and are/would be fabulous mothers to, and yet there are others out there that don't take care of the children they have. I am so sorry you and Scott are going through this, and I hope that it will be taken care of in a way that is best for you and your family. Thanks for sharing. So often we don't know what's really in people's hearts because we don't share.
I kinda know how you feel, but in a very different way. I know that longing feeling to add to your family. The feeling that someone is waiting to join your family and wondering if you will ever figure it out. It has happened to me three times. But how do you know when to stop if God doesn't control that for you? How painful is the feeling that you may choose to leave a spirit behind. Sometimes I wish God would just decide for me so I don't mess up! But I guess that is how the plan works, we have hard trials, decisions, etc. One way or the other it is all very difficult, but what a good way to find yourself and grow into a more perfect being!
I hope God sends you another as Kate would be such a good big sister! And you are such a loving Mother! We are praying for you:)
It's good to hear everyone's thoughts. I feel better when I get things blogged out of me and it's a bonus that I feel understood by all your feedback. Everyone has their own struggles and I like that we can share them and build each other up.
I remember very clearly what the happened the month we finally got pregnant with Bronson and I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I remember saying to myself that this was the last month, I'm done, it's not worth this agony any more. Then one Sunday I was sitting in a Faith value lesson and we were watching a movie about the sacrifices the pioneers had made. I couldn't believe it hadn't dawned on me before, especially since I'm totally obsessed with pioneer stories. Anyway it hit me like a lightning bolt what sacrifice really means, and if Heavenly Father was asking me to make the sacrifice of not having children when I thought it was the right time, or way past the right time, then that was okay. I knew that he knew what was best for us. I'm sure leaving your home in the middle of winter was not something the pioneers would have ever chosen to do, and who can blame them. But they were still willing to make those sacrifices because the Lord had asked them to, there was no question in any of their minds. (for the most part) Hopefully that made sense. So during that Young Women's lesson I had a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and looked at it an entirely different way. If not having children right now, or even ever, was the sacrifice Heavenly Father was asking me to make I could do it, because the sacrifice he make for me by sacrificing his Son is something I can never repay. It became a blessing instead of a burden, kind of like paying tithing.
Yikes, how was that for a Sunday school lesson. If that didn't make sense (and I'm sure it didn't) I'll just say the Lord's timing is a zillion times better then ours. Yes it totally sucks counting days and months and days and months for years, but the Lord know us and I'm so glad for the lesson that I was able to learn about sacrifice and have a greater appreciation for the atonement. So I think we were finally able to have a baby because I truly didn't care if we did or not. (Something everyone tells you, but impossible it seems to make happen) Of course this is just what happened to me, keep smiling even though you feel like crying.
Uh, that was a horrible comment my mind is fried tonight.
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