I really had planned to post something uplifting. Something with a lot of pictures and few words. Maybe even some cute halloween something or other. I'm sorry to say, I don't have it in me. If I could pull it off, I would, believe me. But I am just so ashamed of myself. I'm angry even! I wish I could run away.
I can't believe I have allowed myself to become so selfish. I have put my passion for my projects above my little girl and I'm sick about it. How could I do this? How do I get back to where I should be?
Kate refused to go to preschool today. I had plans. I was going to go for a brisk walk to help win the war of fitting in my clothes and because I really am grouchy if I don't do something active at least for 30 minutes. After that, I was going to continue my work on Scott's Grandma's scrapbook and blurb book. I really want to get that done so I can start on my other Grandma's book to give to my mom for Christmas. If I had any time after that I was going to work on the collage that my neighbor commissioned me to do-already 1/3 complete.
With Kate's refusal to go to preschool I actually cried! I shed tears because her staying home meant I couldn't do anything I wanted to do! What a horrible mother I have become! I am so ashamed. Well, what's worse is I actually put her in bed for a nap thinking it would give me that time I wanted so desperately--She isn't actually going to sleep--it's really just buying me fifteen quiet minutes. But now all I can do is cry and I don't even have any joy left to do any of the things I wanted to do. And now I'm just blubbering on and I don't love that! I don't even deserve to be a mother!
Oh, look, here she is right now. Grinning at me. What am I going to do with her for five or six more hours until Scott can come and rescue me? And to think I only have one! No, it's because I have only one-that is the whole problem. If I had three or so, I wouldn't have any "me" time and I wouldn't even start projects.
Please forgive me for being such a horrible person. I don't even deserve to have a friend in the world.
7 comments:
You are not a bad person or mother. I would cry too. As mom's our whole life is about serving our children (and others) and it's ok and GOOD to have time to yourself. Next time she doesn't want to go to school just call me and she can come play here so you can have a break. Heaven knows I owe you!! You are wonderful!!
Oh please! You are not a bad mother, and you most certainly are not selfish. I would have taken my child to preschool regardless. You have to still do the things that make you YOU. Yes, you are a mother, and yes it is so important, but it isn't ALL that you are. Take it from someone who once lost herself once. It doesn't do any one any favors at all. Yes, be a mom... but make sure you take time to be Julie. I think we owe it to ourselves, our children, especially our daughters, to take personal time. You're amazing!
You are NOT a bad mom! Just the fact that you have an identity or hobby besides being the mother is a great thing! Children are definitely an important part of our lives, but we are supposed to better ourselves too. I am actually a little jealous at the fact that you have projects that don't have two inches of dust on them... I feel like my children dominate all my interests and time, which is a wonderful blessing, but at times I can't remember the person I used to be. I think there used to be an organized, tidy, somewhat "fit" person inside of me and now...I am just happy to be upright at times. So, if you are discouraged, join the club :). I guess we all have our ranting minutes, right?
Mother is NOT your only title...and needing to be and feel useful in some other titles is never a bad thing. And being frustrated about needing a break and not getting it...well, that's healthy and good, and normal. I have 3 running around and I am still frustrated when I don't get the breaks that I need...I have yet to completely surrender to only having one title...and I'm glad about that. My kids are glad about that too...though they don't understand it!
Sorry you didn't get what you needed today and sorry that you tormented yourself because of it...you are incredible and amazing...wish I could have cried with you!
I completly agree with all the other comments! Julie you are wonderful mother & person. You are one of the most selfless people I know, seriously. All of your projects are for someone else...not even You. You are always serving others,and You completely amaze me. Take some time for yourself & don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes it helps to just vent too:). Wish I could help give you a break more. Hey, but weekends I can so just sign me up when needed:).
Poor Julie! I'm so sorry. It's hard huh. I think I would have made her go to preschool too...haha. If you ever want Kate to come play with Presley let me know...Presley would love that. And you could have a break. Always take time for yourself or you'll go crazy! You're cute and such a good Mom:)
Ah, Julie! Believe me, we ALL have our moments of selfishness...that doesn't make you awful, it just makes you human! I almost lost my marriage 4 1/2 years ago because of my "me" time (among other things, of course). What I learned from it is that it's important to have a healthy balance between spouse, children, loved ones, and oneself. Sometimes we need a little extra time here or there-- I don't think you should fault yourself for your needs! After all, the bit of time you spend on yourself helps to keep you being the Julie we all love. Life is a balancing act and it can be hard...but I believe your priorities are right where they should be. Kate is so lucky to have you as a mom.
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