Ma-widge. Ma-widge is Vwhat Bwings us Toge-vah, Too-day

Kate B. & Kate J.
Kate B. had a playdate with two children on our block today. Kate J. is 4 1/2 and her brother, Weston is 3. Before they arrived, Kate told me in her most angry voice, "I like Kate but I don't like Weston! So, I'm NOT gonna play with HIM!"

The girls get all dressed up and Kate goes into the kitchen were Weston is eating a snack.

Kate: Hey, Weston, can I please marry you? (coy, eyelashes batting, head tilted in angelic fashion)

Weston: NO! (gruff, immediate, final)

Later, Kate B. and Kate J. were yelling back and forth.

KJ: "I'm getting married!"

KB: "NO! I'M getting married!"
KJ: "NO! I am getting married!!"
..........you get the idea

And Weston blurted out, "Both get married!"

This is the back of dear Weston, part of Kate B. in the background, and Kate J.

This was my attempt at a picture. When I told all three to stand close together, Kate shoved Weston out of the way (obviously she's holding in some hostility because he didn't say "yes" to her marriage proposal). As she shoved him, Weston and Kate J's mother came walking up and saw it all in the picture window. Yes, my child is a bully-to boys-who are older than her. Yes, she is just like I was as a child. Yes, I'm very worried.

The Business and Babies

Scott's pretty stressed about work these days. Every time we have family prayer and it's my turn to say it, he asks (as if we've never talked about it before) for me to pray for the business and he gives me a specific goal to ask help on. He's always prayed for help with the business, even when it was his dad's. The funny part of it all is I'm so not worried. I don't stress over it a minute. I just know that it will all work out. But at the same time, I stew and worry over having more children. I am always trying to figure out how to make each month "the month." Even the months that I say, "I'm not going to think about it this month, I'm not going to look at the calendar, I'm not going to try at all..." Yes, even those months it's a thought in the back of my mind. Yet, he doesn't worry a thing about it. He knows that it will all just work out.

I know that I'm supposed to just not worry about it anymore and then it will happen, right? Everyone has stories. But if someone could tell me how those people stopped thinking about it, that would help a bunch. :)

It's been, hmmn, since like May of 2007 that we've been waiting for our family to GROW. I only worry because I know that we waited for Kate a considerable length of time too (3 years). I can't really talk about it to my family anymore because my two sisters are in exactly the same boat--the family of three boat--and all three of us have different reasons for not being able to have more. One of my sisters is SO over it and is all moved on to a whole other place of happiness and I'm sure she thinks I need to let it go and plan my life for just one child. My other sister has other reasons why she can't have children =no hubby :( And I can't talk to my mom because she is so over it and then some. You can only talk something to death a few times before it becomes a nuisance. And plus, she sees one child as an opportunity for an easy job at motherhood. She probably thinks I'm so lucky. So here I am. I'm not upset about it today, it's just on my mind and I just always wonder. I have a lot of other support. Most of the people I know are aware that we would like to have more children. So nobody ever says the wrong thing. Although, I don't have a problem if someone ever does-It's all good.

The thing is I know that I have a whole life ahead of me to have another child and it could totally happen six years from now, six months from now, or not at all. And I know there are all kinds of medical procedures that can assist people but that is not an option right now. And I know that I could adopt or do foster care but I'm not ready for that yet. So, once again, here I am.

Don't get me wrong, Kate is enough. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Everything about my life with Scott and Kate is so choice. I am intensely grateful to a loving Heavenly Father for giving me the chance to be pregnant and experience all that motherhood has had to offer so far. I know what a miracle I already have. There is only this little piece of me that would love to give Kate siblings. I have such wonderful sisters, sister-in-laws, brothers, and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews and I want Kate to have all that. I want posterity that goes on and on and on...

So there you have my deepest of all concerns. A girl has to worry about something. Luckily it has been long enough that I'm pretty numb. I can carry on each day without a trigger that brings me to tears. I really am mostly okay. I know God has a plan for me. I know there is a reason for everything. I know that years from now I will be grateful for how everything turned out. I'm not sad, as much as I am just a little unsettled.

Today We Ate up the Hours

We had such a fun day full of Kate-isms that made me laugh. I'm not going to share all of them because I already forgot almost everything. I mainly just love how Kate has reached a stage where I can just talk to her about everything and she really seems to understand and remember what goes on. I love the questions she asks. And I'm relishing the feeling of being smarter than someone-I know it won't last for much longer.

The weather has been crummy but we went for a walk around the block anyway. I'm pretty sure the headache I have right now is directly related to the poor air quality; air you can sink your teeth into. I crack up every time I think of how many times people teased me about my birthplace (California) being so smog-filled. Hey, Utahans look around you! "Inversion" is just the weatherman's euphemistic way of saying smog.

During our little jaunt Kate did Kung-Fu-Panda kicks at the snow whenever she saw a "good spot" in the snow. Each time she would let out her guttural "hee-yaw". We stopped a bazillion times to look at all the different snow formations and all the crystally teeth and we listened to the sound the little crystals made as the fell back onto the ice. We had so much fun. I had a hard time keeping the dirty-gutter snow out of Kate's mouth but she had already downed a mudsicle earlier today while I took the Christmas lights off the bushes so what's a 10% mud solution after you have the real thing. For real, she was licking mud (the black, goopey stuff) off her fingers. Nice. I could even hear the grit in her teeth as she closed her jaws onto it-crunch. I don't want anyone to ever tell me about all the bacteria she has encountered today. ignorance is bliss.

I'm sure there were things I should've gotten done but it was fun to do nothing. I did do a load of laundry. That's something, right? Oh, and I took Kate and my niece to the dollarstore to look for princesses. Since we didn't find any at the store nearest to our house, we drove out to the one a few miles away and then realized that Kate had left her princess wallet full of $5 in quarters at the previous dollarstore. For a second, I thought for sure it would be counted as a donation of some kind but we made it back and found it all intact. She had set it down while handling all the breakables.

Later, when we were looking out our front window (a favorite pastime), we heard and saw the UPS truck. I told Kate what it was and she said, "That's My PS truck?" So cute.

Well, it was fun to slow down a bit and look each minute right in the face for what it is.

I Moonlight as an Ogre

Kate deliberately poured water on my bedside table today. When I saw her holding the cup upside-down and the splash of water on my bedside table I shrieked. I said, "Katie, that was NOT nice." In my serious voice-the voice that has been coming out much more frequently lately. I grabbed a towel and mopped it up while I held her back with my leg to keep her right there so it would seem like we were cleaning up together. She quickly wiggled away and established some distance.

Then I asked her, "Katie, what are we supposed to do with water?"
K: "We drink it."
M: "What happens when we dump it out?"
K: "It spills all over the place."
M: "What do mommy and daddy do when you spill things on purpose like that?"
K: "They turn into Ogres!" (while jumping on the bed and smiling playfully)

I didn't know where I was going with those questions. I'm not sure why I was even asking. She sure made me crack up and forget how stupid it was to flip out over a water spill. I'm really questioning my parenting techniques these days--or lack thereof. It amazes me how different I am as a mother compared to the one I planned to be before I became a mom. Oh, the joy! :)

Twirl

I love Katie's cheesy grin and how her eyes scrunch up in the outer corners. You can even tell she's saying cheese.
This little getup is a hand-me-down from Kate's eldest cousin, Sami. Depending on the situation, this lovely dress serves as her gown, ballerina "tostume" (costume), and wedding dress.

I love how she sticks her tongue out a little as she twirls.

New Year's Day

Here's Kate ready to go for a ride with Grandma and Grandpa in the Ranger while Scott and I follow on Grandma's snowmobile

At the beginning of summer, Kate didn't like the Ranger as much and was scared to go with Grandma and Grandpa alone. To entice her, Grandpa suggested they take popcorn. Now, every Ranger ride has popcorn. And Kate is quick to remind Grandma & Grandpa to bring the popcorn.


Kate was calling Scott all kinds of names while he was in his snowmobiling helmet; most of them referring to some kind of monster.


We drove up New Year's Day, went sledding with Kate's cousins, and stuffed ourselves with yummy food. My parents drove up with Sami and surprised us. They couldn't make it all the way up to the cabin with bald tires so the guys (Gary, Jason, and Scott) headed down in the ranger to bail them out (they thrill for adventures like that). We played games: Lucky Unders, SPAZ Uno, and Killer Uno. We got laughing so hard while playing SPAZ Uno but the humiliation of the game was too much for Gary. He vowed he would never play it again but I'm sure we could convince him to humor us one more time. Scott and I walked Sami, Mom, and Dad back to their car in the dark. We stayed the night with Scott's parents, enjoyed another relaxing day, and then came home in time to enjoy the real weekend.

Pie-Vit

As I was wrapping up my posts for the day, Kate curled up on my lap and fell asleep. Sami was in here with me and I was trying to explain, with great futility, what the new title is all about for the blog. I was telling her that it was like an open book, or an open-door policy or something like that (for those who really care it came from the so-titled poem by Robert Frost but I knew my 15-year-old niece would never pick up my poetry book and try and figure it out for herself). Since she still didn't get it, I explained that some people have private blogs-THEN, out of nowhere, Kate pops her head up, wide-a-wake, with her most mischievous grin and says, "Do you have a 'pie-vit'" (private). Sami and I burst out laughing. Then, Kate pulled my shirt out and exclaimed, "Look, there's your 'pie-vit!'"