Plan B, a Horrid Mommy, and other Musings

Okay, I'm not as tangled. Scott and I have a plan. I like the idea of choosing a path and going for it for a while.

So we begin Plan B...
We cancelled a surgery last month that the doctor said would give us a 50/50 chance of correcting an obvious problem (obvious meaning we might have other issues that we are still unaware). I realized after Scott cancelled the surgery that even though I thought the surgery wouldn't help our fertility, I still think we need to do it because I'm afraid I will always wonder What if? It's always better to try all your options, right? Scott agreed. So that is back on the schedule for the end of November.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN just to see if there is anything else we can check on my end. The last time I saw him, he, along with my GP, oversimplified the whole conception process and supposed that since I already have a child with my husband, clearly things will work again. I'm not sure he has much more to offer me. If he doesn't give me anything substantial, I can head to a specialist.

So, with Plan B in place. I'm relaxed. After Scott's surgery, we have three months to wait before we know if the surgery made a difference. So, it's a process. I already have my doubts that I even have the energy to make it to Plan C if the need arises. Plan B is good for now.

When in Doubt Clean Something...
I cleaned out a drawer, shelf, and closet today so I am in very good spirits. I also worked on an art project and that was rejuvenating. I've separated myself from my art for a few months working on other projects so it was nice to get working again. I'm doing a commissioned project for a neighbor of the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm using the self-cleaning feature on my oven for the first time ever. I usually use the oven spray. I don't love the smell of the self-cleaning feature, reminiscent of fire. But I'm curious to see if my oven really can get the baked on pizza sauce and cheese off all by itself.

I Agree, I can be Horrid...
Yesterday, Kate told me, "Mommy, you are horrid!"
We had an already challenging day. Kate was bouncing off the walls and being moderately defiant most of the day. We were in the garage ready to take Kate to my sister so I could go help with the Young Women activity at church and Kate noticed the door Scott left leaning on a shelf in the garage. He was trying to repair it earlier and hadn't hung it in the house yet. Kate pushed it or touched it and it fell with dramatic sound effects onto the car and left a six inch white streak. I was so startled by the noise and then saw the mark on the car and I was in a hurry so I scolded Kate for messing with the door. She really might've been hurt badly.

I wasn't meaner than ever or anything. I had an ugly expression on my face, I know that. And I snapped at her to get in the car. Oh-Katie-what-were-you-thinking kind of talk, I'm sure. And then she told me I was horrid. Poor girl. I often tell her stories of the girl with the curl, right in the middle of her forehead. You know, "when she was good, she was really, really good. And when she was bad, she was horrid." I begin the story with that whole bit and then I tell her a scenario of the girl being good and I ask her if the girl was good or horrid and Kate has to decide. I usually tell it a few times, good and bad. Well, I was horrid.

I told her I was sorry for being horrid. I asked her forgiveness and told her what a rotten day this must have been for her and that tomorrow would be a better day. She was very forgiving. My goal has always been to not sweat stuff like this. People are more important than things. That has always been my motto, the one my mom taught me. For the most part I do okay. But that moment, I forgot my motto. I really should have been mad at Scott for leaving the door about where it could be dangerous for Kate.

But the Sun Was Shining Today...
We had a phenomenally better day today. When Kate and I were reading library books on the couch, Sam walked in from school and had a few things to say. I listened until Kate pointed to the picture book, on the title page, that we were about to begin when Sam came in. I decided I couldn't keep Kate waiting any longer. I read the name of the author and illustrator before, as I usually do (because secretly I'm the "Story Time Lady"). This time the illustrator's name was Patience. Kate chimed in, "Patience, that's just like I'm being patient." So cute. This buoyed me up. Sometimes I get frustrated with all the questions Kate throws at me all day. But when I get to watch her grasp a concept she has asked me about earlier, it's all worth it. It reminds me what I'm really doing here all day.

Tick, Tock...
I'm grateful that we live with time. Time is a biggie and you love it and hate it all at once but it is such a blessing. I love that we wake up to a fresh, new day and we can start over and make the day better than yesterday. I love that we can apologize and be forgiven for our mess-ups. I love that we can learn from our mistakes and make daily improvements to our character so all is never lost. Each moment is just another brushstroke. If it's the wrong color or out of place, just paint over it.

Could Someone Untangle Me?

I'm feeling befuddled. Life is awkward right now and I just can't explain it. I'm not depressed. But I am desperately searching for something that I can't find. I'm wandering and lost. My aim is a deeper meaning, or purpose, and it eludes me.


In my search I have taken to stretching myself with new ideas, hobbies, service, and I've never been less idle. But I'm still missing something.

Do you ever feel like there is something you should be doing with your life and you just haven't figured it out yet? Like you aren't really living, yet? I always felt that before Kate came and then once she came everything made so much sense. I felt like I had this huge purpose and that I was something special, her mom. But she's getting bigger. She does so much all on her own and she really barely needs me now.


For a few years I've had this sure knowledge that I wasn't going to get pregnant again. Scott always brushed it off and still to this day has all the hope in the world that we will have more children. "Just have more faith," he says. I struggle with his sure knowledge because I also have a sure knowledge but it is opposite. What does that mean? How could we both have a clear answer that is so different? Last week I was all set to sell the baby stuff on KSL and make room for reality. I thought we could use the money. But I've been squirming ever since I made my plan to sell it all.

Everyone acts like I'm going to have more children, like in casual conversation things come up like, "Well, when you have more children you will..."

And what I think of is that part in the scriptures when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego tell the King that if the King casts them into the fiery furnace, God will deliver them, but if not, we will serve God (not the idol Gods that the King wanted them to worship).


but if not

I still remember hearing that talk by Elder Simmons, "But If Not". I reread it just barely and it touches on the things that are weighing on me right now.

Here's a quote from the talk by Elder Simmons, "The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings."


Simmons later in the talk stated, "Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true. He has the power, but it’s our test... we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

I have so much to be grateful for and I know that. Hurray! I'm married to a great guy. Wahoo! We have one child who is a blast and I am so grateful and in no way do I want to diminish the miracle that she is for us. What I am so upset about is, what am I supposed to do with what I have? Some people go and they fight for what they want. They improtune to God and then they go to doctors, take pills, use modern science and make God do what they want or maybe all that is what He wants. Some get huge loans and adopt children. Some already have tons of money and use it to adopt children. And others foster to adopt through DCFS (which Scott swears he will never do). And that's fine for all of them. But what is right for me? How far do I go? What road am I supposed to walk? Is it time for a detour? Have I hit a dead end? See, I told you, I'm lost.

To read the whole But If Not article--LDS.org - Liahona Article - But If Not …

Hello to Fall

We have been spending some time welcoming fall into our lives lately. We had some rain. We enjoyed the fall colors, and I think I'm almost ready to get the house decorated for Halloween. Cup of hot apple cider anyone? Scott took a day off work and we went in to Salt Lake for the Circus. Before the Circus started we walked around Temple Square with Kate. She had to touch every bit of water and for those who have been to the Square, there is a lot of water! I love this picture with the temple in the background. What a beautiful place to be and a wonderful spirit.

Kate with her Circus ticket. Every kid has to go to the circus at least once in their childhood. Scott doesn't remember ever going so it was fun for us to enjoy this together. I could tell Kate knew this was a special date to be at Temple Square and the circus. Now she wants to go to Disney Princess on Ice in November.

I think it was the next Sunday that we went up to the cabin to see the leaves. We just spent the evening, had dinner up there, and then jetted home. Scott had a fireside he needed to attend. But the leaves were MUCH more brilliant than I remember them.

We had three days straight of rain and I didn't mind one bit. It was refreshing and beautiful. Kate got her snow boots on and had some splashing to do.

Good Action Shot.

I had a pedicure, compliments of my mother-in-law (thank you tons!). I hadn't had one in forever and my feet feel fantastic!

Scott just got home for lunch and I think he wants me to make him a grilled tuna sandwich. I don't know why he thinks he can't make one himself. Somehow he thinks mine taste better. I guess I'll go serve the poor helpless creature and send him on his way. It's the least I can do right? I mean I live such a treasured life at home, doing as I please, while he goes out into the world and makes a living for us all to enjoy. It's a big thing he does. So big, that I will gladly make the sandwich. Here I go with a smile.

Correction: So, I went upstairs to help. I just started seasoning the tuna he had out and putting it on the bread and he said, "No, I'm gonna brown both sides first."

So, I guess I don't make them the best anymore. I've been demoted. Now what do I do? I can't even make grilled tuna. Well, thanks for being a good provider anyway honey. Since I can't show you my love, I just tell you...Love you tons!

More of the Same

I feel the need to apologize for being so boring. I feel like all my pictures and posts are the same: Kate doing dress-up; Kate doing dress-up with a friend; Kate doing something silly; Kate at a local attraction like a museum; Blah, Blah, Blah. So to mix it up, I have Kate doing something silly in the lazy Susan, Kate dressing up as wedding girl, and Kate at the zoo-Whoopee! I don't know what to say. How can I spice my life up? Any ideas?

Exciting Photo # 1

Kate snuck into the lazy Susan yesterday. She had the door shut when I found her. What a crack up. I don't know what goes through her mind sometimes. She's my feral child.

Exciting Photo # 2: Wedding Girls

It seems like I have a lot of photos just like this. Kate talks about her wedding a lot. Whenever she sees beautiful jewelry, flowers, or if she sees me in a dress she likes she says, "You can give this to me at my wedding."

Exciting Photo #3: Dress-up

Grandma M gave Kate this beautiful dress-up dress out of the blue. She also gave her the matching crown and wand but Kate was wearing this other crown because she just got it as a party favor from a birthday party she went to.

We went to the ZOO!

Exciting Photo #4: The Baby Elephant

My good friend got us into the zoo for free! We saw all the zoo babies that everyone has been raving about - fun!

Exciting Photo # (what am I on now, 5?) Kate & Elle

Exciting Photo # 6: Kate & Mr. Rhino

Exciting Photo #7: Us on the Carousel (Kate riding a Panda)

Exciting Photo # 8: Elisa and her two cuties

Exciting Photo # 9: More of the Feral Child

So, Kate and Elle ran off ahead of us and we found them on these statues. I'm pretty sure Kate shoved these kids out of the way and I'm almost positive their moms were trying to take pictures when Kate pushed them out of the way. SORRY.

Exciting Photo # 10

We took our pictures and quickly got out of the way.

On other news, Scott and I were recently released from our church calling with the Young Single Adults. We were surprised by the change and have been adequately bummed out about it. We will like not being away from Kate so much because we did have a lot of activities that we needed to find a babysitter for Kate and that was tricky but we LOVED serving in a calling together and being with the YSA. We've built friendships that we want to maintain and that has been fun.

Scott was called to be the Assistant Scout Master. He was just in a calling with the young men before our YSA calling as Second Counselor in the Young Men's Presidency so it's funny to have him right back there with a slightly different role.

So far, no calling for me. With each passing day of not having a calling I become more and more nervous that I'm not got going to like my next calling right at first. I'm hoping to be a teacher in the primary or something fun like that. We'll see.

And, I did end up moving the playroom upstairs. I would post before and after pictures but it's really nothing special. I didn't paint the walls a fun color or do anything special. But it has been nice to have toys upstairs and to have a purpose for the room. Now the empty room is downstairs and it doesn't bother me as much. Someday it can be a guest room or something.

A Plant, A Helmet, & Two Fawns

We were given a plant to babysit while some basement renters from next door vacation and look for another place. They asked me to watch their corn leaf palm for a month or so. And this is so rude but I hope they don't come back to claim it because I adore having their plant here. Kate and I need to come up with a name for it, don't you think? Any suggestions? We finally bought Kate a helmet. I figured it was time to teach safety-actually long overdue. We go to the cabin so much and ride four-wheelers and NEVER use any kind of protective head gear. That's irresponsible enough and we've been putting Kate at risk and she's too little and innocent to know better. So, breathe easy mom, her head is now protected (Have I ever mentioned that my mom is a CPS worker?). I should probably get one made just for ATV's. And I plan on it. But this is as far as we've gotten. The ATV helmets are not cheap so I'll buy one next spring since heads grow and we probably won't do much more four-wheeling this year as fall and winter approach. Now it's time for Scott and I to get some helmets so we can be better examples.

Oh, and I love the tap shoes. My sister, Jeni, found them (or maybe it was Sami) at the DI (local thrift store) and Kate loves them.

Kate spotted two fawns across the street from our house. They were eating the neighbor's flowers. We see a lot of wildlife in our neighborhood and it makes it fun.

Today, I'm trying to decide whether to move Kate's playroom upstairs into the empty room that Kate began calling "the rocking chair room." We've had a little TV in there that only plays VHS and Kate uses it in the morning to watch a movie while I get ready. Later in the day we use the rocking chair to read stories. But the rocking chair is getting uncomfortable, mainly because Kate is getting too big and the rocking chair is busting from all the abuse. The last week we've sat in the living room to read stories. If I get brave and dismantle the playroom, I'll post some before and after shots. I should just do it. We'll see.

Playdates & Preschool

Kate started Preschool last week! This has been wonderful for both of us so far! I love having the break to pursue hobbies and Kate comes back full of good stuff. I LOVE asking her questions about what she's learning. She gives me on-the-level answers even. Yesterday I asked her what Miss Connie (her teacher) does when she or other kids in the class are too noisy. Kate used her sing-song voice to say, "Zip up you lips everybody." and then she did the little zipping motion with her fingers on her lips. Too CUTE!
Last night, Kate had a playdate with a neighbor-friend, Cali. Since Kate is an only child, I am trying to hold more regular playdates with girls her age.

I love Kate's over-the-top poses she does. She can't just smile-she's in character. Oh, and these are the free-for-all roses that I set-aside as "fair game" for picking.

P.S. The other day Kate found a couple crowns of broccoli awaiting rinsing and chopping. Before I could say bobshrackle Kate was marching around the house with her "bouquet" of broccoli, humming the wedding march. What do boys do with broccoli crowns, I wonder?

Daylilies

This month, I learned that a Daylily bloom only lasts one single day. Now I kick myself because the name of the flower explains everything but I just thought it meant that they close up in the evening and open up again the next day-NOPE.
Since they only last one day, we've taken notice and enjoyed each new bloom. Between our three Daylily plants we always have one in bloom but today, we were given two! What a treat.

Everyday we come out to see which bud bloomed today. Remarkably, Kate hasn't picked any of them yet. That could be due to the free range I've given her with our one rosebush. I've given that one over to the children of the neighborhood including Kate. If they want to pick they can pick to their heart's content. And they do. Luckily that rosebush blooms profusely so they always have plenty to pick. They love to pick the blossoms and throw the petals all around the yard pretending it's snow. Often Kate makes up a bouquet and pretends she's a bride humming the wedding march--magical.

All this makes me wonder, how do you celebrate each new day???