The Big Red Shirt & a Few Other Updates

Scott and I had a little romantic getaway this weekend. Scott brought me flowers even. We went to Providence Inn, a quaint little B&B near Logan. My Mom & Dad watched Kate. I missed home and Kate so much. I could barely sleep. Scott laughed when I told him at 10:00 am that I was ready to go home. He decided we need to get away more. But what a great weekend it was! Kate had fun in her favorite shirt. Kate likes to pick out Scott's clothes for him when he is heading to the shower after work and she always picks this shirt and if he puts it on when she hasn't helped him pick out his clothes she is so surprised and chirps, "Daddy you're wearing my favorite shirt!"

Kate LOVES her Da-da. She races for the door after Scott's lunch break and begs three or four hugs and kisses. After four hugs, he'll close the door and head to his van and she will cry, real tears even, that she wanted "One more hug!" And I will race out the door with her so she can grab that one last hug from her Da-da. I love to see her little hands curled around Scott's. Even though she is getting bigger, Scott is still monster-huge to her. He's her very own giant.

I enjoyed hosting Jill and yet another new boyfriend. He came with his two adorable little boys (5 and 3). I have absolutely nothing negative to say about him. I can't imagine anyone better suited for Jill. Chris and Michelle haven't met him yet but everyone else in the family thinks he is pretty perfect for Jill. And she is all but taken by him. I'm not saying anything is for sure. They've dated three weeks so far and anything is possible at this point but the good news of it all is that we have learned it is possible to please Jill and have the majority of the family pleased with the match as well-a very important development.

I'm really enjoying my Jane Austen Book Club. So far we've read and discussed Northanger Abbey and Pride and Prejudice. Right now we are reading Mansfield Park. If anyone is interested, we have an opening in the club. I kicked my sister out-a touch of mercy on my part, to be sure. Even though she didn't say it, she is grateful, I promise. With only four people in the club and six intended, we would enjoy a couple more. But if not, no bother, even if it's a club of one, I'm going to read these books regardless-they are some of my favorites.

I'm no good at facebook these days. I never know what to say. If anyone has any good methods of making facebook work for them, do pass them on. I'm at a loss.

Kate Pledges "Ah-wee-gence"...

Happy Veterans Day Everyone!

Halloween and A Little More

A few pictures from October 24 - November 10:

Kate and me at the Pumpkin Patch wandering the hay maze. She hugs! But not for long...
Scott and Kate - I love this patch in Farmington. It feels like we're in the middle of nowhere!

Here are the three pumpkins we selected!

But Kate's still my favorite little pumpkin-her cheeks are so squeezy.

We had a Halloween movie night with Bret, our neighbor and we watched Young Frankenstein. Bret agreed to bring the dessert, homemade brownie cheesecake-YUM! I had to get a photo of the delicious masterpiece and its creator. Thanks Bret!

We did a family record-breaking journey on Halloween. We visited all of our living Grandparents (my one Grandmother on my Dad's side, Scott's one Grandpa on his Mom's side, and his one Grandma on his Dad's side). Then we stopped at Scott's parents house and then we stayed for dinner at my parent's house. We only went to about eight houses for actual trick-or-treating and only two of the houses were in our neighborhood. However, all the family visiting made the holiday much more meaningful for us and we really don't need the candy. We left two heaping candy bowls unattended on our front porch so we could escape doorbell duty for the night. I missed seeing the trick-or-treaters. I feel like I cheated them. We'll have to figure out a way to make next year fulfill both our need for visiting and being a family and my need to make sure the trick-or-treaters are covered.

Kate at Grandma & Grandpa B's.

Jeni and Michelle were the only women who participated with the dressing up on my side of the family. Jill, my mom, and I didn't represent. Here's Michelle & Presley.

The cousins: Brooke (Queen Amidala), Taylor (Butterfly), Kate (wicked witch), James (Ninja), Presley (witch-not as wicked), Sam (a spelling Bee).

My crazy brother, Chris. He always surprises us on Halloween. We should've measured this Afro of his. What do you think, three feet? Jill is just Jill - I think? Maybe she was New York Chic or something. I'll have to ask.

I recently experimented with Kate's hair using a curling iron and then again with these curlers. I can't figure out how mom's do girl's hair. I think I need to use more product because no matter what I do to her hair it looks flat or wavy an hour later. Sam pointed out some of the reasons my attempts have failed so I'll try to work on it some more.

The other day Kate just fell asleep during her movie time after we ran errands. She slept in the chair like this for at least 20 minutes. She left a fairly good sized drool spot and everything. So cute. I love when sleep just overcomes a kid at random.

Phew! I Survived - Thanks for Pulling Me Out!

I didn't think I would even survive the day but somewhere around 3:00 pm I was magically transformed. POOF! From that moment on, the rest of the day combined to pull me out of my hole. What a gift. I can't say how much it helps to have people around me who know just what to say. The comments I received from my last post removed the sting and gave me courage to talk to several other moms since, without feeling the earlier shame.

It's all really silly now, when I think about how upsetting that was. I can remember a moment when Kate saw me crying and said, "Mommy, now we're both crying." I love having such a sweet girl who expresses herself so well. I think the magic poof was Kate asking me, "Are you sorry now, Mommy?" I was. I always ask her if she can forgive me when I mess up and I love that instead of saying , "Yeah, sure." She says, "Yes, Mommy, I forgive you. I love you, Mommy." With hugs that follow.

I can't think of a thing in the world as delicious as the words, "I forgive you" and "I love you." I would almost go through an emotionally horrible day like that again (I'm sure I will) just for the comfort of knowing that even in my darkest moments, my family will forgive me and love me again.

Sorry - The Rant Continues

I really had planned to post something uplifting. Something with a lot of pictures and few words. Maybe even some cute halloween something or other. I'm sorry to say, I don't have it in me. If I could pull it off, I would, believe me. But I am just so ashamed of myself. I'm angry even! I wish I could run away.

I can't believe I have allowed myself to become so selfish. I have put my passion for my projects above my little girl and I'm sick about it. How could I do this? How do I get back to where I should be?

Kate refused to go to preschool today. I had plans. I was going to go for a brisk walk to help win the war of fitting in my clothes and because I really am grouchy if I don't do something active at least for 30 minutes. After that, I was going to continue my work on Scott's Grandma's scrapbook and blurb book. I really want to get that done so I can start on my other Grandma's book to give to my mom for Christmas. If I had any time after that I was going to work on the collage that my neighbor commissioned me to do-already 1/3 complete.

With Kate's refusal to go to preschool I actually cried! I shed tears because her staying home meant I couldn't do anything I wanted to do! What a horrible mother I have become! I am so ashamed. Well, what's worse is I actually put her in bed for a nap thinking it would give me that time I wanted so desperately--She isn't actually going to sleep--it's really just buying me fifteen quiet minutes. But now all I can do is cry and I don't even have any joy left to do any of the things I wanted to do. And now I'm just blubbering on and I don't love that! I don't even deserve to be a mother!

Oh, look, here she is right now. Grinning at me. What am I going to do with her for five or six more hours until Scott can come and rescue me? And to think I only have one! No, it's because I have only one-that is the whole problem. If I had three or so, I wouldn't have any "me" time and I wouldn't even start projects.

Please forgive me for being such a horrible person. I don't even deserve to have a friend in the world.

Plan B, a Horrid Mommy, and other Musings

Okay, I'm not as tangled. Scott and I have a plan. I like the idea of choosing a path and going for it for a while.

So we begin Plan B...
We cancelled a surgery last month that the doctor said would give us a 50/50 chance of correcting an obvious problem (obvious meaning we might have other issues that we are still unaware). I realized after Scott cancelled the surgery that even though I thought the surgery wouldn't help our fertility, I still think we need to do it because I'm afraid I will always wonder What if? It's always better to try all your options, right? Scott agreed. So that is back on the schedule for the end of November.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN just to see if there is anything else we can check on my end. The last time I saw him, he, along with my GP, oversimplified the whole conception process and supposed that since I already have a child with my husband, clearly things will work again. I'm not sure he has much more to offer me. If he doesn't give me anything substantial, I can head to a specialist.

So, with Plan B in place. I'm relaxed. After Scott's surgery, we have three months to wait before we know if the surgery made a difference. So, it's a process. I already have my doubts that I even have the energy to make it to Plan C if the need arises. Plan B is good for now.

When in Doubt Clean Something...
I cleaned out a drawer, shelf, and closet today so I am in very good spirits. I also worked on an art project and that was rejuvenating. I've separated myself from my art for a few months working on other projects so it was nice to get working again. I'm doing a commissioned project for a neighbor of the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm using the self-cleaning feature on my oven for the first time ever. I usually use the oven spray. I don't love the smell of the self-cleaning feature, reminiscent of fire. But I'm curious to see if my oven really can get the baked on pizza sauce and cheese off all by itself.

I Agree, I can be Horrid...
Yesterday, Kate told me, "Mommy, you are horrid!"
We had an already challenging day. Kate was bouncing off the walls and being moderately defiant most of the day. We were in the garage ready to take Kate to my sister so I could go help with the Young Women activity at church and Kate noticed the door Scott left leaning on a shelf in the garage. He was trying to repair it earlier and hadn't hung it in the house yet. Kate pushed it or touched it and it fell with dramatic sound effects onto the car and left a six inch white streak. I was so startled by the noise and then saw the mark on the car and I was in a hurry so I scolded Kate for messing with the door. She really might've been hurt badly.

I wasn't meaner than ever or anything. I had an ugly expression on my face, I know that. And I snapped at her to get in the car. Oh-Katie-what-were-you-thinking kind of talk, I'm sure. And then she told me I was horrid. Poor girl. I often tell her stories of the girl with the curl, right in the middle of her forehead. You know, "when she was good, she was really, really good. And when she was bad, she was horrid." I begin the story with that whole bit and then I tell her a scenario of the girl being good and I ask her if the girl was good or horrid and Kate has to decide. I usually tell it a few times, good and bad. Well, I was horrid.

I told her I was sorry for being horrid. I asked her forgiveness and told her what a rotten day this must have been for her and that tomorrow would be a better day. She was very forgiving. My goal has always been to not sweat stuff like this. People are more important than things. That has always been my motto, the one my mom taught me. For the most part I do okay. But that moment, I forgot my motto. I really should have been mad at Scott for leaving the door about where it could be dangerous for Kate.

But the Sun Was Shining Today...
We had a phenomenally better day today. When Kate and I were reading library books on the couch, Sam walked in from school and had a few things to say. I listened until Kate pointed to the picture book, on the title page, that we were about to begin when Sam came in. I decided I couldn't keep Kate waiting any longer. I read the name of the author and illustrator before, as I usually do (because secretly I'm the "Story Time Lady"). This time the illustrator's name was Patience. Kate chimed in, "Patience, that's just like I'm being patient." So cute. This buoyed me up. Sometimes I get frustrated with all the questions Kate throws at me all day. But when I get to watch her grasp a concept she has asked me about earlier, it's all worth it. It reminds me what I'm really doing here all day.

Tick, Tock...
I'm grateful that we live with time. Time is a biggie and you love it and hate it all at once but it is such a blessing. I love that we wake up to a fresh, new day and we can start over and make the day better than yesterday. I love that we can apologize and be forgiven for our mess-ups. I love that we can learn from our mistakes and make daily improvements to our character so all is never lost. Each moment is just another brushstroke. If it's the wrong color or out of place, just paint over it.

Could Someone Untangle Me?

I'm feeling befuddled. Life is awkward right now and I just can't explain it. I'm not depressed. But I am desperately searching for something that I can't find. I'm wandering and lost. My aim is a deeper meaning, or purpose, and it eludes me.


In my search I have taken to stretching myself with new ideas, hobbies, service, and I've never been less idle. But I'm still missing something.

Do you ever feel like there is something you should be doing with your life and you just haven't figured it out yet? Like you aren't really living, yet? I always felt that before Kate came and then once she came everything made so much sense. I felt like I had this huge purpose and that I was something special, her mom. But she's getting bigger. She does so much all on her own and she really barely needs me now.


For a few years I've had this sure knowledge that I wasn't going to get pregnant again. Scott always brushed it off and still to this day has all the hope in the world that we will have more children. "Just have more faith," he says. I struggle with his sure knowledge because I also have a sure knowledge but it is opposite. What does that mean? How could we both have a clear answer that is so different? Last week I was all set to sell the baby stuff on KSL and make room for reality. I thought we could use the money. But I've been squirming ever since I made my plan to sell it all.

Everyone acts like I'm going to have more children, like in casual conversation things come up like, "Well, when you have more children you will..."

And what I think of is that part in the scriptures when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego tell the King that if the King casts them into the fiery furnace, God will deliver them, but if not, we will serve God (not the idol Gods that the King wanted them to worship).


but if not

I still remember hearing that talk by Elder Simmons, "But If Not". I reread it just barely and it touches on the things that are weighing on me right now.

Here's a quote from the talk by Elder Simmons, "The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings."


Simmons later in the talk stated, "Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true. He has the power, but it’s our test... we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

I have so much to be grateful for and I know that. Hurray! I'm married to a great guy. Wahoo! We have one child who is a blast and I am so grateful and in no way do I want to diminish the miracle that she is for us. What I am so upset about is, what am I supposed to do with what I have? Some people go and they fight for what they want. They improtune to God and then they go to doctors, take pills, use modern science and make God do what they want or maybe all that is what He wants. Some get huge loans and adopt children. Some already have tons of money and use it to adopt children. And others foster to adopt through DCFS (which Scott swears he will never do). And that's fine for all of them. But what is right for me? How far do I go? What road am I supposed to walk? Is it time for a detour? Have I hit a dead end? See, I told you, I'm lost.

To read the whole But If Not article--LDS.org - Liahona Article - But If Not …