Over the years, especially the last three, I have felt like I've been bobbing along in the ocean; sometimes there's calm, sometimes the storms rage. For now, the wave of pain is gone. I see a glassy sea all around me and the dark clouds are lifting. I am no longer about to be swallowed up into the depths of the sea.
I had a special moment on Sunday. Scott and I went to a baby blessing for my brother's fourth daughter and afterward, we went to his home for a luncheon. I was doing all I could to hold it together and make this day about my brother, and his wife, and their precious children. I did not want to fall apart in tears for my lack of children. I'd made it through and we were about to leave and I was just gazing thoughtfully at my brother and sister-in-law as another family member took adorable pictures of them with their newest baby girl in her white blessing dress. My thoughts were heading toward that dangerous place - of me focusing on what I lack. I was in that moment right before despair took over and then I shifted my eyes just a couple of degrees to the left and saw Scott just behind the happy family and he was gazing at me knowingly with a soft, loving smile on his face. I was instantly well. The look on his face told me that he knew. I didn't have to tell him how hard this all was. I didn't have to say anything. He knew. And he was there for me. I knew in that moment that he was and is my forever companion through all the ups and downs and that he will always be pulling for me. I knew that nothing could tear us apart or take away the reality of what we have together.
After my last post, I received comfort from comments on the blog, a call from a wonderful home teacher, and an email from a dear friend. A couple people have even told me they are praying for me. I cannot begin to express the gratitude in my heart to know that someone would care enough to pray for me. I have answers and direction that I didn't have before. I know I'm not alone. I know God hasn't abandoned me. I know this isn't out of meanness or some horrible punishment from God. I know God loves me as He does all of His children. I know He aches for me. I also know that I can do more good in the world if I survive.
3 comments:
So I read your other post several days ago and have been thinking about you since. Sad and heart broken for you. The root of our womanhood and almost even our existence is deep seeded in this ability to be mothers and nurturers and it truly is a tragedy when someone like you has so much love and ability to be denied that opportunity.
This charge to have family and create family without any guarantee or certain amounts of control over the outcome is so trying and difficult. And to watch others around you without that struggle is just as hard. Because we have no real understanding or comprehension of the why’s and why not’s…maybe there is a reason and maybe there is not but we don’t get to know that part of the equation…making it that much harder each month, each day.
Matters of the heart challenge us and envelope our lives…I hope that you can find some reassurance and peace with your situation. I know you are feeling miserable and maybe even abandoned at times but the strength that you have to see beyond those feelings and KNOW of a larger love for you is impressive and will greatly help you. I think it’s ok for us to feel and express those hardships, they are real and they are painful. And I wish that I could somehow make the world a better place for you right now. What a truly trying experience you ARE surviving and letting us be a part of. You are in my thoughts!
I am glad you are in a calm moment right now. I hope it stays for a while.
And thank goodness for husbands.
I'm speechless and Sad, really heartbroken for you. We're still just praying, praying, and praying and have faith that you will have another child and SOON. While raising Suzie and tring to teach her new things, I think of you and watching how you've raised Kate. You're such a good mom, amazing. You definately deserve another child and he/she deserves to have You as his/her Mom.
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