I'm so confused today. All day I've been mulling through my mind all the options I have and I just don't know which direction to go. I feel lost and I wish someone else could make these decisions for me. I've decided that this is ABSOLUTELY the LAST month that I will EVER try to have a baby. At the beginning of the month, Scott suggested that we give it 6 more months before we consider adoption again but after the last couple weeks, we both agree that we are DONE.
But I still have all the hard choices to make of whether to adopt, or foster, or not do anything at all. This is so hard and so personal and I don't even know which direction I'm headed. I don't know what the RIGHT decision is. I have a feeling that this will be a lot like my college decision - when I was trying to decide which degree to pursue I was in a cunundrum and I couldn't choose between three degrees and I finally heard my mom say, "Maybe it doesn't matter." And that bugged me at first because I wanted so badly to do what I was MEANT to do. But it gave me the freedom to just make a choice and I graduated. So, maybe this is the same thing. Maybe whether I adopt, foster, or just have Kate doesn't really matter. I could probably pick one out of a hat. In fact, I might just do that tonight.
With all of these thoughts today I began to feel an urgency to research and pursue a Master's Degree. I feel like this should wait, at least the classes and coursework, until Kate is in first grade, 2012. But thoughts came to me of things I want to research now so I can prepare and get everything ready. This is not what I had planned at all.
I had some conversations with my family over the last weekend (all of which say they are too busy to read my blog). And I mentioned to them what I am going through and I think they thought I needed to put on my big girl panties and just be grateful for what I have. I know they can't understand why I'm having such a dilemma with this. While bucking up and braving the hard with a cheerful face is a good idea, I don't know how to stop the wanting, the feeling of loss, and the impression that I am not as blessed.
Argh! I need to get over this and I just don't know how. This is getting so old and obnoxious. It is consuming me. I feel completely annoyed. I think I need to go CLEAN SOMETHING! I will begin in the bathroom.
6 comments:
Wellllll . . . I think feeling pain, loss, and sorrow doesn't negate gratitude. Maybe gratitude doesn't always have a smiley face, and maybe that's ok.
Just keep keeping it real Julie. I'm sorry you've probably had a lot of clean bathrooms over the years.
You really are so strong and such a good friend. And you're an amazing mommy to Kate. Wow.
Come clean here! It will take hours and you'll get tons of thinking done! lol.
-Seriously I am sorry for all your dealing with. Have you read Jayne Claysons book? I haven't but I want too. Sorta different circumstances but her life didn't go as she planned either. Look at your options and I know the Lord will guide you to the best choice for YOU!
luv ya!
Not to "dis" your fam, but I disagree. I know your sisters experienced different but similar circumstances, but they have had enough time to accept their lots, so they have a much different perspective than being in the middle of the plight. It's easy for anyone who isn't experiencing adversity to say, "Well get over your issues and move on. There's a lot to be grateful for." Of course there's a lot to be grateful for, has 1 hour passed that you haven't been grateful for Kate? No. Just because you have a desire to add to your fam (which is what God commanded you to do), doesn't mean you should give up and accept it. If it doesn't ever work out, or you feel differently... so be it. It obviously wasn't meant to be. But at least you can live the rest of your life without questioning whether you gave it your BEST shot or not. Because you did! If you aren't feeling pulled in any direction, I think you should keep on the path you are on and give it more time (adopting or trying). But that's just my opinion. And you did ask for it right?????
(sometimes I lose track of my point during my babbling):)
Hey girl. It has been forever since I have read your blog. Back in the good old JCP days I remember you telling me once that your prayers are answered so easily. If you are choosing between two things the option that isn't right just doesn't work out. Example...if you were trying to decide what to eat for lunch and you ordered a hamburger and you should have ordered chicken the restaurant would say "Sorry we are out of hamburgers" not the exact analogy you gave me but do you remember the conversation. I know that there is a conference talk about this somewhere too. If you have two or three paths to choose from just start walking down one of them if it doesn't work choose another path. Not that it makes what you are going through now easy but I know with out a doubt in 20 years when you look back at your struggles they will make sense. Good luck and call me sometime so we can get together. We should do a date night. Have a happy thanksgiving.
I wholeheartedly agree with Beth.
I would just add: Feelings of loss and missed opportunity do not go away overnight. Give yourself some time. Maybe the feeling of loss will never fully go away, but maybe it won't hurt quite as much. And in time, perhaps you will have more feelings of direction as far as the adoption or whatever else. God does care. That much I know.:)
I love you and I care and if you want to wear granny panties go right ahead:) It's ok to feel the way you do. I feel bad you don't call me to vent! You are so amazing and such a fun aunt to all your nieces and nephews. I'm praying for you too! Hang in there.
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